1,218 thoughts on “Wangapalooza: Big Trouble in Little China

  1. hurr derr….missed the new episode update again. So, I’ll have to repost this one:

    A few weeks back, I picked up the Blu-Ray edition of “Legend” – the 1985 fantasy from Ridley Scott with Tom Cruise and Mia Sara. Always had a fondness for it, though apparently Scott’s director’s cut was quite a bit different from the U.S. theatrical release. I had only ever seen it with the Tangerine Dream score. I didn’t know that Jerry Goldsmith did the original score and that the studio replaced it with the Tangerine Dream score. The Blu-Ray has both the theatrical and director’s cut, along with a commentary from Ridley Scott. I saw the director’s cut last week and watched it again with the commentary yesterday.

    I’ve definitely gained a new appreciation for this one and the efforts that Scott had to go through to pull it off. Two thumbs up from me.

    • My childhood self went squee when I found out Brian Henson is married to Mia Sara. In my mind Labyrinth and Legend got married.

      On a different, more serious note, I will have to watch the director’s cut, but I have always felt the soundtrack was very dated, but not enough to take away from Tim’s brilliant performance.

    • I haven’t seen it in about 10 years. As a TD fan, I appreciated their soundtrack – – especially “Is Your Love Strong Enough” with Brian Ferry, over the closing credits.

      I remember thinking Tim Curry and his makeup were really the only good thing about this movie, but I’d probably be willing to brave the director’s cut.

          • I never got into Supernatural. It’s too CW-ish. But I get what you are saying: even with the comics, it’s not like the material is original. It’s the character, Constantine, that makes the comics and the show interesting. 🙂

          • I like how well it’s being received. It jumps around in several of the storylines from the comics, but I like how characters that are familiar to the stories are showing up. It may be a little too self referential though, but it is early in the series. I enjoy the actor playing Constantine. He gets the cheekiness/sarcasm of the character, although my friend who is watching it with me thinks he gets a little too cryptic or distant for his companions. It wasn’t a series I had planned on watching, so I’ve been pleased so far.

  2. CD: Real Ale – Brewhouse Ale. Drinking Texas beer that I bought in Texas on the cheap at a Texas Walmart. The reality is that CD: too much. I’m also watching an “obtained” copy of Jodorowsky’s Dune and it is blowing my mind. Not only because it would have been an incredible film with astounding people behind it. But because the “obtained” copy I have does not have subtitles. I speak reasonable Spanish (lived for a year in Spain) and not a lick of French. What would be the subtitled parts are in Spanish and French. So I can understand most of what Jodorowsky says and nothing of his French cohorts. In my book that is exactly as it should be. Much like Gary Larson translated human speech to animals as “blah blah blah”, I get the French parts as “I’m a pompous French douche bag and nothing I say is really important.” Guess that makes me a pompous ‘Merikan douche bag, but whatever.

    • Oh shit! H.R. Giger just showed up and started speaking un-subtitled German. There goes my whole house of cards anti-French bigotry in a puff of smoke. Damn you Giger!

    • From the Wikipedia entry on Dune, specifically the 1984 David Lynch movie “Around that time Lynch received several other directing offers, including Return of the Jedi.” So now I will turn in and hope that I dream a brilliant David Lynch version of Return of the Jedi that might have included Everett McGill, Brad Dourif, Dean Stockwell, Max von Sydow, Sean Young and maybe even Patrick Stewart. Ahhh to sleep… perchance to dream.

    • That is a fascinating movie. Jodorowsky’s movie would have been utterly batshit, had it happened.

      Giger looks like he’s in pain every time he speaks, like some tiny creature is about to burst from his chest.

      • There’s a woman in our neighbourhood that takes her cat out for walks when it’s nice outside. From what I can tell, the can seems ok with it. I’ve never seen her dragging the cat, or carrying it, or coaching it, etc. The cat seems to trot merrily beside her.

  3. from one of my investment newsletters – discussing McDonalds.
    “(snip)… Specifically, the management team has built out the ”next generation” kiosks in two-sided tablet style, with clearer interfaces. The new kiosks will appear in 60 of its U.K. stores out of 1,240, and 150 of its France stores out of 1,320.

    These efforts have led to a faster order process, which means less labor (the people taking the order) is needed at the front end of the store. This could lead to a meaningful improvement on the cost front.” (snip)

    If this becomes the trend in commerce … one wonders at the varied implications.

    • I want to play!! It’s installed but I’m finishing Assassin’s Creed first. Probably another week or so before I get to DA. But! By then, most of the bugs will be worked out and I’ll be playing a fully patched version.

  4. Morning Pan

    Once again hubby has a late night. He told me to expect late nights every Wednesday until the Christmas break. Except next week. He’s travelling to Edmonton so that will be an overnight trip. I guess that makes it a really late night.

    • Its always fun to have a good hockey school in the region. I’d like to see them and Denver become rivals… if they played each other enough

    • Yes! Guilt trip successful!

      Foserious, no guilt on anyone. I’d hate for the conversation to ever sputter out, but lulls are natural occurrences. I myself am slammed with work stuff, so I myself am quieter than usual.

      • Removes the gag order.

        Seriously, I go in spurts. I sometimes feel like I’m not contributing any color or vice versa (that’s all I’m contributing). This week has been busy.

  5. I am currently in the midst of cleaning my house in anticipation of my parents’ coming to visit on Saturday. I am done for the day as soon as I take out the trash and fold the laundry. After that: writing.

  6. Ugh. It appears my All-In-One printer/scanner has printed its final document.

    Im super sad and super pissed, as I believe the culprit to its demise was using off-label ink cartidges, which clogged, then damaged the printhead.

    Totally sucks.

  7. Stolen from Hugh Brackett on FB:

    QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.

  8. Speaking of the first scene in BTiLC, the lawyer is played by classic character actor Jerry Hardin. Jerry Hardin also played Deep Throat in The X-Files. Being that these are my favorite film and TV show respectively, this makes Jerry Hardin the greatest actor in the world.

  9. Tru Channel presents Worlds Dumbest…

    Outlaws 2 & 3 …. Great fun to watch at work, while waiting for the heart surgeon to show up to perform his job.

    • Some will try to make that into some sort of dark conspiracy but I think that it shows that the major networks think this is a “non-issue” among their key demographics. Last pole I saw showed that more then 60% of the American public supported some sort of Amnesty for working immigrants. The average, non-Faux news watching, ‘merican is fine with this action and in fact, is wondering why this has taken so damn long and can’t we move along to other stuff now ?

        • Definitely disrespectful but I don’t think that was the motivation. They simply put profit in front of respect.

          I still think that the “glass half full” side of this is that, by not carrying his announcement on this, the major networks snubbed the Tea Baggers just as much as the President. The were saying in effect, “The President’s actions on this are so NOT controversial and so NONE newsworthy that we aren’t even going to cover it live. Contrary to your DIRE predictions about a public backlash, most Americans will never even notice this has happened and have moved on.”

  10. Looking for a decent dystopian novel, YA preferable, one shot even better (not part of a series).

    Any recommendations?

    Hunger Games and 1984 already read.

  11. Crap joke for the day:

    A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
    “Well, what should I do?” asked the man.
    “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”
    Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
    The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and the wife couldn’t wait for her lesson.
    The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
    The pro watched her swing and said, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
    “What can I do?” asked the wife.
    “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”
    The wife listened carefully to the pro’s advice, took a swing, and, THUMP! — the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
    “You know, that was a lot better than I expected,” the pro said. “Now, take the club out of your mouth, and hold it in your hands.

  12. I’m looking at the pile of work that was handed to me this morning and I’m seriously thinking of playing hookie for the rest of the day. I think people are trying to clear their desks before the holiday next week.

  13. What’s this? – Lo Pan dissing Last Starfighter and defending Prometheus? Van, it’s a good thing we’re not in Colorado right now.

    Though, I must confess, ground breaking as they were, Last Starfighter’s CGI has aged….poorly. Tron seems to hold up better to me for some reason, even though I know it’s a lot more primitive.

    Now, Discs of Tron, on the other hand – man, I loved that came…30 years ago..god dammit!

    https://archive.org/details/arcade_dotron

    It’s amazing what I remember as cutting edge graphics. I think my $15 LCD watch could do better today.

  14. So someone on Twitter posted a quote that basically said:

    ‘You can’t achieve greatness if you keep asking for permission.’

    I have to admit my first thought was ‘well that worked for Hitler’

    I’ll get my coat.

  15. So I tried my hand at curling on Friday night!

    Link to photo

    I went to the local hockey rink with a group of people from my church who were interested in giving it a try. There is a local curling club here that will show you the basics for a nominal fee. It was fun!

  16. Just finished watching Space Station 76. Don’t listen to the reviews and write up. It is not a light silly movie. It’s actually a deep sad movie. I am not being facetious. It really is

  17. http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2014/11/24/165004/

    New Turing test proposed. My reactions.

    1. Claims of “objective measurement” are obviously made by someone that doesn’t understand the difference between subjective and objective because the test definition is still quite full of “human evaluators” and “human referees”.
    2. I think the real Turing test should be when an AI says “why the hell should I try and impress humans in the first place”, and then gets up and leaves the room. I call it the Jerry Springer AI test, otherwise known as “You don’t know me… I’ll do what I want.”

  18. Today’s movie is Haunter

    The DVR write up: a teenager is the only member of her family to realize that all of them are reliving the same events, repeatedly, from a foggy day in 1986

    • I had an alien ware once. When it came time to replace it, I found I could have a better gaming rig for a lot less if I built it from parts. I’ve had my current system for three years and it still runs most games at their highest settings

  19. I pretty much like everything I’ve seen Stephen McHattie in, and this one is the same. A slightly different take on your normal haunted movie.

    I know there have been several versions along the same theme, but still, not enough to make it old (being very unspoilery here)

    If you are into the B scary movies, I would recommend this one. There was no blood or gore. Nothing really jumped out at you. It was mostly atmosphere, which is the best way to do these kinds of movies in my mind.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying this is anything other than a B movie. I just think it’s cut slightly above most

  20. So if you were really evil and access to a time machine, you could go back n time and make sure George Lucas got the Flash Gordon license in the 70’s.

  21. Canada post is warning any parcel sent within North America sent after December 11 May not make it in time for Christmas. Amy, when will the Secret Santa pairings fi out. I know there is still a week to December but, those of us sending across borders (and I’m sure oceans) need extra time

  22. Hey, Deadpan!

    The Annual Deadpan Secret Santa Gift Exchange is here!

    It is my pleasure to host the Secret Santa exchange once again this year. Each and every person who is reading this now is welcome to participate.

    Secret Santa FAQ

    How does this work?

    I will randomly assign each person who signs up to send a Christmas present to another person. The person you send your gift to will be a different person than the one you receive a gift from. I usually send out assignments within a few days after Black Friday. No hard-and-fast rule regarding cost, but most of the gifts in the exchange are usually in the $10-$20 USD ballpark.

    How do I sign up?

    Send me an email at bowen1138 –at– yahoo dot com by no later than the end of the night this Sunday, November 30. I aim to get assignments sent out on Monday morning, December 1. (Don’t worry, I’ve worked in late arrivals before.) Please include in your email:
    – Your mailing address, if I don’t already have it
    – If you live in the US and need to opt out of international shipping for cost reasons, please let me know.

    Merry Christmas, and thanks for continuing to make Deadpan the way!

    -Amy

  23. Anyone remember my story about falling into money from the sale of a boat that wasn’t even mine and then having someone smash up my car. Well, the universe is at it again. My 25 year old son who has a new baby called and asked us to visit him in Colorado Springs for Christmas. This is great because relations haven’t been the best with him and we haven’t been able to actually visit him (or him us) for several years. Then my TV decides to die yesterday a mere 48 hours before Black Friday (and when I wanted an excuse to upgrade from my 40″ TV to something bigger). All great news, except for the $1500 dollars or so that I’m spending and really can’t afford. Hope I get a descent Christmas bonus this year or I’m screwed.

  24. Happy Turkey Day, Yam Sham, Feast til you burst. Anyway you say it Happy Thanksgiving. All of you are on my list of things to be thankful for 🙂

  25. Hi Deadpan.
    I am currently trying to remind myself of all the things I am thankful for.
    Thus, me here at the Deadpan saying THANKS! 🙂

    I’m also off in corner of this house, hiding.

  26. And, of course, Happy Thanksgiving to all my panny pals.

    CD: Dallas Blonde from Deep Ellum Brewing (Dallas, TX). Tagline for the beer is “goes down easy”. Took me a minute to pair the tagline with the name of the beer. How clever of them.

  27. Around now, hubby will be living Edmonton. According to the news, the highway between here and Edmonton is really icy and several dozen accidents have occurred since noon. I’m doing the typical wifey thing and plan to worry until he gets home

  28. Hubby just contacted me. The good news is, he managed to leave early and left Edmonton at about 2:30. The bad news is, he’s only as far as Red Deer. Edmonton to Calgary is normally about a three hour drive. Red Deer is considered the halfway point. This means, at this rate, travel time to Calgary is taking twice the norm. I’m still doing the wifey thing.

  29. uhg
    I am surrounded by people who would rather TALK about the movie we have all sat down to watch … then actually watch it. :/
    Then they want to discuss all the OTHER films they have seen these actors in … except they can’t remember the actors names and argue over it until someone looks it up and then they talk about the actors they THOUGHT it was and the movies THEY had been in and …
    by this time I have no idea what is going on in the film we are sitting in front of as I have heard little or none of the dialogue.
    So I pick up this computer and whine to the Deadpan.

    I need that drink.

  30. And, we’re back. I have awakened from my turkey coma. I come to find myself with a cold a living in a world where X-wings fly and supersonic speeds above the water and “Porkins” has become a droid 🙂

    Hope all had a good Thanksgiving, or at least Thursday for the rest of you fine folks.

  31. Happy Turkey Weekend, everybody!

    Im alive! Ive work every day since Monday. It turns out, holiday stuffing causes heart attacks, aneurysms to rupture and that turns into lengthy surgeries.

    Im at work all day today, and I hope not ro have to work tomorrow- so I can actually *see* Jack Mangan for longer than 1 hour and have our Familt Thanksgiving with the Wee People.

    Enj

  32. Happy Turkey Weekend, everybody!

    Im alive! Ive worked every day since Monday. It turns out, holiday stuffing causes heart attacks, aneurysms to rupture and that turns into lengthy surgeries.

    Im at work all day today, and I hope not ro have to work tomorrow- so I can actually *see* Jack Mangan for longer than 1 hour and have our Family Thanksgiving with the Wee People.

    Enjoy everyone!
    Peace out
    ~ Desert Pixie

  33. Crap joke for tonight:

    A man goes to to his local Chinese restaurant.

    He orders octopus soup.

    The waiter informs him it will take six hours.

    “Why so long to cook?” Asks the man.

    The waiter replies ; “The Octopus keeps turning off the gas”..

  34. Burn:

    @mc_hankins: ‘Could you fax over a copy?’

    ‘No, I can’t fax because of where I live’

    ‘Where do you live?’

    ‘The 21st century’

  35. Ok my Phoenix Phans, we’re only a halph hour phrom game time.
    In this corner, sitting at number phive in the Western Conpherence I’d the Calgary Phlames!
    In the other corner, sitting a number twelve, the Phoenix Cyotes!

  36. Belated reply to J0e’s and Jack’s responses to my curling post on 11/23: I could barely get the rocks across the line in the center of the sheet. I was too busy trying to get the hang of throwing without falling over. :biggrin: None of my throws had much power behind them. I still had a lot of fun, though. Yes, I might do it again sometime.

  37. There’s a spicy cheese and ham sandwich in my immediate future.

    Did you know that lard has been shown to have anti cancer properties in mice?

  38. So Van, a UK-related question for you:

    I work with a guy named Nigel Brixton Whitherboroughford III (not his real name). . . super nice guy with the wit and accent of a QI contestant. I made a comment one day about him being British and he looked at me funny. I said, “Well, I have English in my family background. . .” but he continued to look at me a bit funny.

    Turns out, he may in fact be Welsh. Is is a faux pas to miscall a Welshman as a Brit, and vice versa? Or just generally ignorant?

  39. For those who didn’t get their assignments in time to get their ThinkGeek on yesterday or you fell asleep after receiving your email from Amy – please note that ThinkGeek has extended free shipping through the end of today should you like to take full advantage of that and get your Secret Santa gifts completed early.

    And you all think I don’t pay attention to anything!

    Jack :jack: contact me about tonight before I forget and spend the evening putting up Christmas lights or some such nonsense.

  40. Now it’s time to do up Christmas cards. I decided to get smart this year and am putting all my addresses on labels. I know it’s a little less personal but then I don’t have to redo them every year. And, it’s only for the envelopes, I still plan to sign the cards.

    • I’ve started getting my Christmas-card efforts organized, too. I’ve been doing just that since I started sending my own – printing addresses on labels and signing the cards by hand.

    • I stopped doing the card thing ages ago. I was sending out over 100 cards each year and the list was growing. I try to do e-cards now and send pictures of the kids to older non-internet-using relatives. I wish I had the bandwidth and the extra cash to send all the people I love cards. I treasure every one I receive, that’s for sure.

    • We’re in full card assembly line mode over here. I finally got my act together soon enough to get a good deal on our photo cards. We have a pretty extensive list of friends and extended family, so I converted to using labels several years ago. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t manage to get through them all. My list also changes as new people come into our lives and other drift away.

        • Dumb A#$ Memory –
          When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my father took us to a convenance store (a “UTOTEM”) for what were called in those parts, a “slurpy”.
          This was a big deal as it rarely ever happened. What sticks in my mind is that he decided to try the “Cola” flavored one. I can still remember the expression on his face as he took a sipped and exclaimed “YUCK!”
          I ask what it taste like and he said “It taste like a cat pee’d on cardboard.”
          Nevermind that none of us could imagine how he would know what that would taste like … just hearing an adult say that brought on such riotous laugher amongst a car full of young children that we nearly all asphyxiated because we couldn’t stop laughing long enough to get a lung full of air.

    • That was pleasant. Thanks again for inviting us.

      I love knowing where I can find Duchesse de Bourgogne anytime I want to enjoy her, but LostRalph thinks I need to keep trying new things… New is ok, but yummy is better.

  41. Today I receive my annual Christmas letter from mom. Ignoring the fact it’s only December 3, there was this one quote, about her boyfriend that made me go hmmm.

    “Jon and I have been together for a year and a half and don’t hate each other, so that bodes well for the future” A very backhanded compliment that basically sums up my up brining.

  42. Your crap joke for the day:

    Christmas is coming

    Fruitcake Recipe (Just in time for Christmas preparations!!)

    1 cup water
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cups dried fruit
    1 teaspoon baking soda
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    lemon juice
    nuts
    1 gallon whiskey

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
    Take a large bowl.
    Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
    Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
    Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy
    bowl.
    Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
    Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
    Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    Mix on the turner.
    If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
    drewscriver.
    Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
    Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the
    whiskey.
    Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
    Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
    Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the
    window.
    Check the whiskey again.
    Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

  43. I replied to a thread above and nobody will probably ever see it.

    As for Bunny’s missing g… I’ll add it to my string here.

    My Secret Santa recipient should take receipt today – though I also neglected to wrap said item, the fun will be in opening the box… I’m certain of it.
    Also, the gift is very colorful so it sort of wraps itself.

  44. How silly is this?
    My credit card came up for renewal this year. One of the things I order from regularly sent me an email reminder to update my credit card info (not Amazon). I went to the website, entered my email and password, and was told that email was not on file. Didn’t they just send me an email telling me to renew? (I don’t click links from emails, even if I think they are legit) They must have my email on file if they sent me an email. Even if the email wasn’t legit, I still had to update my information on the actual site in question. Very strange

    Now I must wait until 9am Pacific to phone them and see what’s going on. *sigh*

  45. Is there anyone who has NOT purchased their Deadpan Secret Santa gift yet? I need to find a slot for a late arrival. Shoot me an email if you can help. (I already bought my gift)

  46. Crap Joke, courtesy of my mutha:

    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

    The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

    The following Sunday the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.”

  47. RE: Giving up early on shows. I did that with Defiance. Made it through the first 30 minutes and couldn’t take anymore. The wife started watching season 1 again on Amazon and said it improved. I think we’re about halfway through season 1 now and it has indeed gotten better. Had I known it was from the guy who did Farscape, I would have given it more of a chance to begin with.

    I don’t think Star Trek: The Next Generation would have lasted three episodes if it were airing for the first time today. Come to think of it, are there such things as syndicated shows anymore? It seems like everything is a network show somewhere.

  48. This is a big deal. My hat is off to Val Griswold-Ford and Tee Morris for putting this together.

    P. J. Ballantine says: All money from the sale of this anthology are going directly into the bank account of the trust set up for his three daughters. The trust is the direct publisher of this anthology, hence PG Holyfield’s Childrens Trust being listed as the publisher. All the services of the editors, authors, cover artist etc have been donated for this effort.

    http://www.amazon.com/Tales-Tesla-Ranger-Tribute-Holyfield-ebook/dp/B00P6KULQW

    The least important reason you should get this is that I have a story in it based in P.G.’s Caern world from Murder at Avedon Hill, which is one of my best.

  49. Crap joke for the day:

    A Christmas Message from the Bored
    Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effectively immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
    The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
    The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
    The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
    The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
    The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
    The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per day per goose is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
    The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
    As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
    Nine ladies dancing has always been considered an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
    Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
    Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
    We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.
    Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number

  50. Listening to “Just A Gigilo” by David Lee Roth at 7am on a Friday, in 2014, just isnt the same as listening to it . ever.

    I wish I could’ve changed the radio channel, but the work stereo is as ancient as DLR, himself.

  51. Bonus crap joke:

    Unitary Borough of Greater Jerusalem

    To: Mr Innkeeper, Little Town of Bethlehem, Judea
    Ref: Legal Services
    Date: 05 Jan 0001

    WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON

    Dear Sir,
    UNAUTHORISED USE OF AN AGRICULTURAL BUILDING AT REAR OF INN AND OTHER MATTERS

    I am instructed by the Directors of the Council that various activities are taking place in the stable behind the Inn in your freehold ownership at the Street, Little Town of Bethlehem. I must warn you that, if the following activities do not cease within 14 days of the date of this letter, I am authorised to take appropriate action against you under the relevant areas of legislation.

    TOWN AND COUNTRY PLANNING ACT 0001
    The following matters have been brought to my attention which may constitute a breach of planning controls:
    1. Change of use of stables building to a mixed use for residential occupation and acts of worship.
    2. A complaint has been received concerning a bright light in the sky over the stables and I must warn you that any floodlights erected may constitute operational development requiring planning permission.
    3. I understand that one family with an infant is currently in occupation but that shepherds, angels, kings and other visitors may at times be temporarily housed. If you have created a house in multiple occupation this may constitute a material change of use.
    4. The condition of the land around the stables, caused by shepherds and their flocks, kings with camels and the leaving of gifts is such that the amenity of the area is affected and general tidying of the area is required.
    I have reason to believe that these breaches have taken place and that they do not comply with the provisions of the Jerusalem Local Plan. I therefore have to advise you that unless they are removed, or a retrospective planning application submitted, within the aforementioned 14 days, Notice may be served requiring these uses to cease and the operational development to be removed from the land. Non-compliance with such a notice may result in prosecution.

    LOCAL GOVERNMENT (MISCELLANEOUS PROVISIONS) ACT 0001
    I understand that choirs of angels have been heard singing; public entertainment in the open requires a public entertainment license under Section 36 of this Act. A person who, knowing such entertainment would be provided, allows an unlicensed place to be so used, commits an offence.

    ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION ACT 0001
    Complaints have been received of excessive noise caused by cattle lowing, the baby awakening, and despite your assurances that the Little Lord Jesus no crying he makes, crying for lengthy periods of time, and angels proclaiming the Messiah’s birth. Accumulations left by flocks of sheep, camels and other farmyard animals have also resulted in complaints. If these should be found to amount to a statutory nuisance, notice may be served under Section 80 of this Act.

    ANIMAL PROTECTION ACT 0001
    Camels have been seen at the stables and if it is proposed that they remain, you will require a zoo license under the Zoo Licensing Regulations 0001. Operation of a zoo without a license is an offence.
    I understand that a pet lamb was presented to the infant born in the stables and must warn you that should you intend to carry on a business of selling animals as pets, a license under the Pet Animals Regulations 0001 is required. It is an offence to carry on such a business without a license.

    CHILD PROTECTION ACT 0001
    In relation to the new born infant in occupation, I would advise you to contact Judea County Council for advice on the requirements of running a nursery. An officer will be visiting the premises shortly to assess the situation. I would advise that the family with an infant attend for an interview with the Council’s Housing Resource Manager with a view to an investigation of their homelessness.

    If you wish to discuss any of these matters further, please do not hesitate to contact anyone other than a member of the Legal Services Team.
    Yours faithfully
    Borough Solicitor
    P.S. The Registration Services Manager would like to thank the occupants of the stables for making the journey from Nazareth and for completing the forms as requested.

  52. Secret Santa gift is away! Now I’m off to my company Christmas party. They are so legendary that most of us get hotel rooms close by to crash in rather than restrain ourselves or pay cab fares. In all honesty, a cab fare from where this party is would be more than the hotel room anyway.

  53. Let’s pretend, I’m the secret santa to one of you people. Without naming who, if I were to include CDN candy in my gift, what would your choice be? These would include:
    Coffee Crisps
    Kinder Bueno
    Kinder Surprises
    Smarties
    Caramilk
    Areo
    Hawkins Cheesies.

    I can put a couple of these items but not all so just pick one or two.

    I apologize in advance to those who may get their hopes up and then don’t get chocolate. It’s the only way I could think of to ask without actually asking my recipient.

    • I’m fortunate enough to have a geek/comic book cafe near me with clientele in my age range (and I’m definitely no spring chicken).

  54. Ok, did the Amazon thing and sent gifts to the parental units.

    Now I’m off to get a few final things for our big Christmas comes to Bunnytown on Thursday. With luck, being a Monday morning, the stores won’t be too insane.

  55. Some of you may not get this, your crap joke for the day:

    “An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of the
    tour he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no signs of injury.
    He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

    “Fair fa’ yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race!”

    The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who
    immediately launches into:

    “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”

    The next patient sits up and declaims:

    “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering bl’attle.
    I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle.”

    “Well,” says the English doctor to his Scottish colleague,
    “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”

    “No, no,” the Scottish doctor corrects him,
    “This is the Serious Burns Unit.””

  56. I won’t have my regular glasses back for a week, and the $10 readers from the drugstore just weren’t cutting it. . . . so now I sit at my desk with my scrip sunglasses, looking like a cubicle Ray Charles.

  57. Ok, guys, I have a friend who has a nice (old) Fisher turntable that she wants to hook up to her (old) LoFi stereo. I’m awful at ‘lectronics. What do she need?

  58. I think the turntable has a single phono cord coming out.

    It is possible that the stereo has a connection that is dedicated for a phonograph, including a preamp to get the signal loud enough to be enjoyed.

    Most likely, you’ll want to get a stand alone preamp that is designed for a turntable. Then you should be able to hook that to your stereo with a standard red/black pair of RCA cables.

    Exertise: I watched my gramps hook his turntable up, once, when I was 10 or so. I might be remembering incorrectly. ☺

  59. Morning Pan

    Already had a busy morning with lots to do.
    So far I:
    Made dough for gingerbread cookies
    Moved the couch so we have a spot to put our tree
    Brought the tree half way up the stairs (it’s heavy)
    Got all my presents together ready for wrapping (only those to people who live in Calgary. All other gifts were done some time ago)

    Left to do:
    Accounting
    wrap presents
    Bring the tree the rest of the way up stairs
    Wash cookie cutters
    Bring up and set up crafts for home made ornaments.

    You know, this would go a lot better if hubby didn’t have to work late again. *sigh*

  60. The latest Agents of SHIELD was so bloody dark that even with the brightness turned up on the laptop I had problems seeing some of the scenes.

  61. Today Christmas comes to the Bunny house. I will have family and friends over and we are going to (in no particular order):
    Put up the tree and decorate it
    decorate the house
    make gingerbread cookies
    make home made ornaments (mostly teddy bear heads :biggrin: )
    Order lunch in
    decorate gingerbread cookies
    clean up our mess and have everything done before hubby gets home.

  62. Wow.
    Illinois has decided to get right on top of this problem of police being recorded killing un-armed people. They just hurriedly passed a law making it illegal to video tape the police.

    “The bill would also discourage people from recording conversations with police by making unlawfully recording a conversation with police – or an attorney general, assistant attorney general, state’s attorney, assistant state’s attorney or judge – a class 3 felony, which carries a sentence of two to four years in prison.”

    http://www.illinoispolicy.org/illinois-general-assembly-revives-recording-ban/

  63. Your crap joke for the evenng:

    An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. “Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

  64. DPSS gift has arrived, thank you Rhettro.

    I haven’t opened it yet but customs has rather given the game away as to what it is…

    Cough

    TEB your Xmas card has also arrived, thanks.

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