Textpan I – If Rappers were RPG Players

This is a new feature around here. . . . I’m going to start occasionally releasing the scripts from certain old Deadpan skits and segments. These scripts were often pretty roughly assembled, and won’t always match exactly to what was heard onpod, but that’s the magic of podbiz.

I’ll list the episode where the segment was originally heard, whenever possible.

If Rappers were RPG Players
Originally heard in episode #132: Non-Playa Character (I think)

Quick aside, if Fitty Cent was an RPG gamer, would he have called himself Fitty GP? Would his album have been called Get Experience Points or Die Rolling?
If rappers played D&D, would the band have just been called Run-DM ? I guess Rev Run would be a 10th level cleric. Would the Coolio song have been called “Gangsta’s Percentile Dice”? Would the Public Enemy album have been called “Fear of a Dark Elf Planet”? Would the band A Tribe Called Quest have called themselves A Tribe Called Dungeon Quest? Would Big Pun’s song have been “I’m a Non-Player-Character, I just crush a lot”?

Would you gain 300 XP for killing the Beastie Boys? Would Jay-Z have said, “I got 99 Goblins but a Lich Ain’t One”? How many Experience Points would it take for a Paladin to achieve the level of Suge Knight? Would that require you to dangle Vanilla Ice out of a window, after listening to, “Ice Ice Golem”? How would Flavor Flav’s massive clock necklace affect his armor class? Would you need to make a Saving Throw if you got the Gas Face? You know, the Gas Face? 3rd Bass? OK, apparently, no one else remembers them. Would the Wu Tang Clan have been forced to buy the Oriental Adventures accessory? Yeah, all right. This has run its course. Until I think of something funny for LL Cool J, at least. . .

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