Textpan V: Yoda Coda

This was originally heard in Deadpan 144: Gross.

Do you think for Yoda’s last birthdays, his family lit 800 candles on a cake and sang “to you, birthday happy”?

What if Yoda was also dyslexic?

Do you think Yoda uses that creepy Darth Vader tree for storage when he’s not training a student? Like that’s where he keeps his hedge trimmers?

Do you think Yoda even notices when his toilet on Dagobah overflows?

Do you think Yoda would have preferred to just die in peace, without having some punk jedi acolyte badgering him with questions during his final moments?

Wouldn’t Yoda have quadrupled his credibility if he’d grown in a mustache and goatee?

Forget earmuffs, does Yoda’s species wear earsocks in winter?

What is Yoda, 20 inches tall? How the hell could you throw a pitch into his strike zone?

And if he didn’t use any force powers, who’d win in one-on-one basketball, Yoda vs. Mini-Me?

Do you think Luke Skywalker still has the ghosts of Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Anakin hanging around him, even after the Empire is destroyed? Dispensing advice, wisdom, and encouragement as he goes through day-to-day activities? Building that extra room on the house, uncomfortable bowel movements, clipping nosehairs, helping the kids with algebra homework, negotiating with jawas for droids, having sex with Mara Jade. . . What would happen if he called the ghostbusters on them?

Textpan III – The Catholic Church Reaches Out to a Younger Crowd

This is from an old, old episode. I don’t know. . . #17, maybe? Sorry, I truly can’t remember, can’t find it in any non-lazy Show Notes.

Warning, the following skit is actually very tame. So if you find yourself offended, then you really need to get a clue.

The Catholic Church is finding new ways to reach out and be more exciting, to get the younger, more cynical crowd interested in attending mass again. Here are some of the proposed changes. (organ music)

Every Sunday, Johnny Knoxville is going to choose one church somewhere in the US, and at some random point during mass, come careening up the aisle in a speeding, out of control shopping cart.

The Bibles in the pews will be redone as Manga.

During scripture readings, Replace the words Jesus Christ with commonly used, modern day exclamations. Examples: “Galatians 1:3 Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jumping Jesus Christ on a pogo stick”. Peter 1:3 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus H. Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jumpin Jehosephat from the dead.

Zap a random, periodic electrical charge into the Holy Water basins as parishioners are passing in and out of the doors.

Put a dollar in the collection plate, get a scratchoff.

Get someone from the Wu-Tang Clan to drop and freestyle some of the sermon.

Give all parishioners the red and blue 3-D glasses. Make the stained glass window images 3-D.

This isn’t more fun, but certainly more convenient. ATMs in the confession booth. Good idea, right? And while you’re at it, give the Priest a break. Replace him with an Etch-A-Sketch. Draw your offensive actions into the Etch-A-Sin, then when you’re done, give it a good shake and your transgressions are washed anon.

The priest is required to quote lines from Star Wars and/or Army of Darkness somewhere in his sermon each week.

Let Jonathan Davis from Korn update some of the Hymns. Get the whole congregation singing his remixes. (bummm da-da umm da-da ima)

Spice up communion by adding booze and conceptual cannibalism.

Super-high ceilings right? Mid-mass bungee-jumping for Christ.

Get the parishioners doing the wave.

Enough with the Bingo. Get some Twister games going. Or fill up a bunch of glasses with sacramental wine and let’s play quarters.

One word, three syllables: Cheerleaders.

Replace pews with cubicles. No, scratch that idea.

Midnight mass every night, with a DJ, blacklights, bouncers, transvestites, wristbands, a $25 cover, dancing, sacramental wine at $9 per plastic cup, Hymns sung at 120 bpm. Let the theme be: “Jesus Raves”.

Forget votive candles. Votive bottle rockets.

Give rebuttal time at the end of mass for a rabbi, an atheist, an evolutionary scientist, etc.

Put a hoop on top of the altar’s big crucifix, give the altar boys a basketball.

Or – let’s go with a Latin flavor, in churches of Hayzoos y Maria y Jose.
Instead of those bland communion wafers, give us communion tortilla chips. Or even better, make the wafers spicy. And of course, replace the wine with tequila of Christ. Blessed is he who gets the worm.

Have parishioners fill up a collection piñata instead of a plate. Then give the altar boys some bats and let them at it.

Textpan II – OC/DC

If Angus Young were to come out on stage playing guitar while wearing rubber gloves, would the band really be OC/DC?
With songs like:
Dirty Hands, Disinfected Cheap
Back in Bleach
You Scrubbed Me All Night Long
Have a Mask on Me
Fly on the Wall (so we have to move)
If You Want Bacteria, You Got It
Germs for Hire
Touch Too Much
For Those About to Wash, We Salute You

(from episode #134: Grrriiind – I think)

Textpan I – If Rappers were RPG Players

This is a new feature around here. . . . I’m going to start occasionally releasing the scripts from certain old Deadpan skits and segments. These scripts were often pretty roughly assembled, and won’t always match exactly to what was heard onpod, but that’s the magic of podbiz.

I’ll list the episode where the segment was originally heard, whenever possible.

If Rappers were RPG Players
Originally heard in episode #132: Non-Playa Character (I think)

Quick aside, if Fitty Cent was an RPG gamer, would he have called himself Fitty GP? Would his album have been called Get Experience Points or Die Rolling?
If rappers played D&D, would the band have just been called Run-DM ? I guess Rev Run would be a 10th level cleric. Would the Coolio song have been called “Gangsta’s Percentile Dice”? Would the Public Enemy album have been called “Fear of a Dark Elf Planet”? Would the band A Tribe Called Quest have called themselves A Tribe Called Dungeon Quest? Would Big Pun’s song have been “I’m a Non-Player-Character, I just crush a lot”?

Would you gain 300 XP for killing the Beastie Boys? Would Jay-Z have said, “I got 99 Goblins but a Lich Ain’t One”? How many Experience Points would it take for a Paladin to achieve the level of Suge Knight? Would that require you to dangle Vanilla Ice out of a window, after listening to, “Ice Ice Golem”? How would Flavor Flav’s massive clock necklace affect his armor class? Would you need to make a Saving Throw if you got the Gas Face? You know, the Gas Face? 3rd Bass? OK, apparently, no one else remembers them. Would the Wu Tang Clan have been forced to buy the Oriental Adventures accessory? Yeah, all right. This has run its course. Until I think of something funny for LL Cool J, at least. . .