Textpan III – The Catholic Church Reaches Out to a Younger Crowd

This is from an old, old episode. I don’t know. . . #17, maybe? Sorry, I truly can’t remember, can’t find it in any non-lazy Show Notes.

Warning, the following skit is actually very tame. So if you find yourself offended, then you really need to get a clue.

The Catholic Church is finding new ways to reach out and be more exciting, to get the younger, more cynical crowd interested in attending mass again. Here are some of the proposed changes. (organ music)

Every Sunday, Johnny Knoxville is going to choose one church somewhere in the US, and at some random point during mass, come careening up the aisle in a speeding, out of control shopping cart.

The Bibles in the pews will be redone as Manga.

During scripture readings, Replace the words Jesus Christ with commonly used, modern day exclamations. Examples: “Galatians 1:3 Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jumping Jesus Christ on a pogo stick”. Peter 1:3 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus H. Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jumpin Jehosephat from the dead.

Zap a random, periodic electrical charge into the Holy Water basins as parishioners are passing in and out of the doors.

Put a dollar in the collection plate, get a scratchoff.

Get someone from the Wu-Tang Clan to drop and freestyle some of the sermon.

Give all parishioners the red and blue 3-D glasses. Make the stained glass window images 3-D.

This isn’t more fun, but certainly more convenient. ATMs in the confession booth. Good idea, right? And while you’re at it, give the Priest a break. Replace him with an Etch-A-Sketch. Draw your offensive actions into the Etch-A-Sin, then when you’re done, give it a good shake and your transgressions are washed anon.

The priest is required to quote lines from Star Wars and/or Army of Darkness somewhere in his sermon each week.

Let Jonathan Davis from Korn update some of the Hymns. Get the whole congregation singing his remixes. (bummm da-da umm da-da ima)

Spice up communion by adding booze and conceptual cannibalism.

Super-high ceilings right? Mid-mass bungee-jumping for Christ.

Get the parishioners doing the wave.

Enough with the Bingo. Get some Twister games going. Or fill up a bunch of glasses with sacramental wine and let’s play quarters.

One word, three syllables: Cheerleaders.

Replace pews with cubicles. No, scratch that idea.

Midnight mass every night, with a DJ, blacklights, bouncers, transvestites, wristbands, a $25 cover, dancing, sacramental wine at $9 per plastic cup, Hymns sung at 120 bpm. Let the theme be: “Jesus Raves”.

Forget votive candles. Votive bottle rockets.

Give rebuttal time at the end of mass for a rabbi, an atheist, an evolutionary scientist, etc.

Put a hoop on top of the altar’s big crucifix, give the altar boys a basketball.

Or – let’s go with a Latin flavor, in churches of Hayzoos y Maria y Jose.
Instead of those bland communion wafers, give us communion tortilla chips. Or even better, make the wafers spicy. And of course, replace the wine with tequila of Christ. Blessed is he who gets the worm.

Have parishioners fill up a collection piñata instead of a plate. Then give the altar boys some bats and let them at it.

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