Un Scroll

No audio this time, but you’ll hear my voice again soon. There’s some Olympic Hockey debt audio, some exciting personal news, and announcements for the near and distant future of Deadpan.

1,240 thoughts on “Un Scroll

  1. Cant believe I missed Joy Formidable AGAIN last nite. My fault really… baah! Ah well, Ume tickets in hand for tonites show. Tiny ass stinky venue + great band should make for good times.

    #MEMEMEMEME

  2. 2000AD app is a bit of a fail on the phone, no smart reading option like Other comic apps on the App Store.

    Works fine on the iPad though.

    • From edgy underground comic, to obscure RPG, to after-school cartoon, to favorites of the pre-school set, to violent PG-rated live-action film franchise, to obscurity, to Michael Bay.
      Where next on your weird journey, TMNT?

  3. Interesting error message I am suddenly getting when I refresh the page.

    “Yahoo Search query
    We did not find results for jack mangan because SafeSearch is active and your query contains some restricted word(s).”

  4. I recently got around to seeing “Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter” and “Gravity”. What does it say about me that I liked Abe a lot better?

    • Some of those images are incredible. Frank Miller’s Elektra Assassin series was on par with Watchmen, Dark Knight, etc. If this new series can recapture some of that, then I’m in.

  5. We haven’t watched either film yet. We stuck with Portlandia and a few edpisodes of Killer Women, which I love and Sly B say “m’eh” about.

      • There’s just a point…. “hey not only are we gonna re-record a classic, but we’re making a record that, in order to fully appreciate it, has to be played side by side with Dark Side of the Moon”. Boo.

        • If I liked the band more, I’d mind the stunt less.

          Do we say kudos for messing with the artform – – or boo for using one of the best albums ever recorded as part of a publicity stunt?

          • That’s a great question. And you really do pose another good one – if we liked the band doing this would we be more apt to put on rosier glasses?

          • I don’t think so.
            Covering a song from Dark Side is maybe, sort of, kind of a fun thing to hear your favorite band do at a concert.
            Them doing the entire album is simply a cry for record sales.
            It says, “we are out of original stuff that will make us money and aren’t even going to try.”

            This is worse. This says, “Because coming up with an original concept album that people will revere for generations to come is so hard to do, we are just going to take an existing album like that and IMPROVE on it by playing along with it! Because clearly, our playing along with it is what it has lacked all of these years.”

            meh

  6. Bad news.
    The A/C in the Honda seems to need maintenance. Feels cool at idle but gets warm when running.

    Good news.
    The most likely cause would be a clogged condensate line that could fixed cheap and easy.

    Bad news.
    Or the A/C compressor went out which could cost $1200 to replace.

    Good news.
    Repair man confirms the A/C works perfectly.

    Bad news.
    There is no coolant in the radiator, causing the engine to overheat. The overheating engine was overloading the A/C.

    Good news.
    A pressure check confirmed no leaks in the radiator.

    Bad news.
    There is a crack in the engine block leaking coolant. The engine needs to be replaced.

    Good news.
    Honda engine warranty last to 100,000 miles.

    Current mileage?

    rolls dice… 94,500

    verdict. Free replacement with new engine. :)

  7. Crap joke for the day:

    “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

    “Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.

    “That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

  8. Apparently Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry “tied the knot” today.

    I wish them all of the happiness in the world, but we all know that deep down, secretly, Linda Perry still yearns for someone from her past.

  9. Picked up the 20th (yeah…) Anniversary edition of Toadies ‘Possum Kingdom’ album. Shit be as tight and fresh as it was in 1994. Really good stuff.

  10. Your crap joke for the evening:

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.Later they get together.

    The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”…

    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

    ”They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

  11. Dumb-ass moment:

    I asked the IT guy to replace the bulb in my LCD projector today because there was a blurry corner on the screen. He rubbed it with his shirt and voila!

  12. So, I get a message from Tee Morris yesterday telling me I need to check out the dedication at the front of Dawn’s Early Light, book 3 of the Ministry of Peculiar Occurences. Sure enough, it’s me! Wow. Seriously! Wow.

  13. CP: Toadies – Jigsaw Girl

    “Give me your hand
    And I will hold it forever
    On my nightstand
    In a box with your love letters

    I love you dear
    And I know we will not be parted
    I’ll keep you near
    Scattered around my apartment…”

    Sweetest damn psychopath song ever

  14. Your crap joke for the day:

    On their first evening in their new home the blond bride went in to the kitchen to fix drinks. Five minutes later she came back into the living room in tears.
    “What’s the matter, my angel?” asked her husband anxiously.
    “Oh, Steven! She sobbed, “I put the ice cubes in hot water to wash them and now they’ve disappeared!”

  15. Somehow, between the hours of 0000-0300, Miley Cyrus made an appearance in my already strangely surreal dream.

    I don’t really recall much and I think I am still scarred for life…

    • We get a pretty good distribution down here. The only one that really pissed me off was when I walked 45 minutes to get to a great beer place in Chicago and brought back(amongst other things) Goose Island… then the next month it started showing up in Florida.

  16. Crap joke, the difference between men and women:

    Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

    And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

    And then, there is silence in the car.

    To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

    And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

    And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

    And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

    And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

    And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs.

    And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…

    “Fred,” Martha says aloud.

    “What?” says Fred, startled.

    “Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)

    “What?” says Fred.

    “I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

    “There’s no horse?” says Fred.

    “You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.

    “No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    “It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

    “Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

    “Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.

    “What way?” says Fred.

    “That way about time,” says Martha.

    “Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

    “Thank you, Fred,” she says.

    “Thank you,” says Fred.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

    The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

    They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

    Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

    And that’s the difference between men and women.

  17. Your bonus crap joke:

    The man who created the chain of Showcase Cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

  18. Your crap joke for this lazy Saturday morning:

    Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

    With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

    “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

    The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

    “What’s wrong?” he asks.

    She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

    • ….and as a bonus:

      A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

      Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

      “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

      “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

      “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next
      to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

      So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy!
      Give me £20, or off it comes!’

      “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!
      Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

      “Not everybody pays.”

  19. Congrats to the Avs 50 win season and to Varley’s 40 wins. Dunno how this team is doing it with an entire top line gone and a shotty defense.

      • I did enjoy the book, sans the ending. Not enough to continue with the series, but enough that I might have recommended it to a teenage reader.
        The movie just failed to make me give a shit about the characters or to get me into the vague action scenes. The game scenes were kinda cool, but could have been riveting. Ditto (not ditto) for the battle scenes.
        There’s my longer review. :metal:

  20. So heading home after seeing ‘Divergent’ at the flicks.

    Not too shabby.

    Strange thing about the upcoming film trailers, each film trailer had a different actor from Game of Thrones .

    • Agreed – our litter saw it this morning. Definitely a worthy addition to the Marvel collection. Sounds like it’s doing some decent numbers this weekend as well.

  21. Ok peeps, it’s movie time!

    It’s been awhile, so let’s go over the rules…
    There are no rules. I do whatever I feel like on these.
    Just be aware, there will be spoilers, and spelling may be an issue as I try to type as the movie plays… And, as a result, auto correct and I will have some arguments.

      • Not a fan … but at least it works.
        Firefox is doing this thing where it goes to my requested page and then imediatly switches to a page that tells me the page (that it just showed me for a split second) can’t be located. The tab says something about a “DNS Solution Yahoo Error Handler”.

        Like, WHATever!

  22. I can never understand our weather. Yesterday it was beautiful and sunny. The temperature reached a wonderful 20C. Now, it’s snowing. *sigh*

  23. So, it had been voted that we’d all partake in an NHL playoff hockey challenge, in addition to the Olympics challenge. . .
    Of course, we still have some Olympic debt payments pending. I don’t want anyone to feel pressured or burdened. Of course my vote is to play again – – but I’m also ok if others want to let it go.

  24. The Chocolate Orange Stout did smell of chocolate orange but still tasted of stout.

    That was your one line irrational booze review.

  25. I can’t help feeling lots of things in life are due to luck.

    Talking with a work colleague today who just come back from months on the sick.

    Turn out he had colon cancer, it was only discovered early enough to be operable because the tumour was pressing on his appendix.

    Also turns out he almost had his appendix out as a child, but the infection died down and it wasn’t removed.

    Makes me almost believe in fate, almost…