434 thoughts on “Jack Mangans Deadpan #286: The End, part 1

  1. Crap joke for the day:

    This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great she notices the time. “Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her friend’s house.When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!”Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.”You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”The wife stoically replied, “Ahh, I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.”

    • And you psychically stole my sled dog joke!

      (That seriously happened a lot for the Final Doodle. At least 3 of my joke ideas had to be nixed because you guys had thought of them too – – and done such great stuff.)

  2. A Perfect Circle just released a best of album.

    A Perfect Circle has all of 2 albums with original material

    Why did A Perfect Circle release a best of album?

    I’ll tell y ou another goddamn thing – they released a Live at Red Rocks CD that I really want, but the only way to get the physical disc is to buy a 200$ box set of their re-released “re-mastered” albums. Who the fuck told MJK that their fan base was rich?

  3. I have a question. It’s not PC but I know a couple going through this and, because it’s not PC, I’m kind of afraid to ask them. Google has been no help. And I know Deadpan is open to non-PC issues.

    The Question: In our society where we need to put labels on everybody and everything, If one partner in a lesbian couple starts to undergo gender reassignment. Once that’s complete, are they now… bisexual? Heterosexual?

    I know it’s a silly questions but, as I said, I know a couple going through this so I’m curious. They are nice people. I am happy with that and for them, I was just wondering how society as a whole looks at it.

    • Bunny, sex, gender, and sexual orientation are all separate, so I’d not make any assumptions. Really, each of the people in that couple are whatever they say they are.

      I think for trans-people, society looks at it in several different ways. The fact that you’re a friend and happy for them probably means a lot to them! The FTM person in the couple might say that he has always been a straight man – he’s now just finally getting his parts sorted out to match. That’s only guess . . . one thing I’d suggest as a friend is to be sure to use the right pronoun for the person going through the transition, which is HE. That’s respectful.

  4. The local movie critic was talking about the Carrie remake. He said his biggest problem was that, while the original was good and scary in its time, now he figured she’d just be recruited by the XMen. LOL

  5. Your crap joke for the day:

    A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. β€œI couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. β€œWhat’s your secret for a long happy life?” β€œI smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. β€œI also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” β€œThat’s amazing,” the woman said. β€œHow old are you? β€œTwenty-six,” he said.

  6. Still had trouble figuring out the RBT reference, scrubbed through Amy’s audio 3 times and still did not hear it. Are we sure it didn’t get shunted into the next ep???

    If it really is here, someone clue in a timecode please?

  7. I’m currently suffering a long dark tea time of the soul so you can also suffer with this crap joke:

    Two Southern belles, one of whom was from Texas, were seated on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion talking. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, “When my first child was born, my husband had this beautiful mansion built for me.””That’s nice,” commented the lady from Texas.”When my second child was born,” the first woman continued, “he bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”
    Again, the lady from Texas commented, “That’s nice.””Then, when my third child was born,” boasted the first woman, “he bought me this very exquisite diamond and emerald bracelet.”Once more, the lady from Texas commented, “That’s nice.””What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” asked the first woman.”My husband sent me to charm school,” answered the lady from Texas.”Charm school!” exclaimed the first woman. “Land sakes, child, what on earth for?””So that instead of saying ‘who gives a shit’, I learned to say ‘That’s nice!'” replied the lady from Texas.

  8. Well finally broke the shrink wrap on the new phone.

    The fingerprint sensor is cool for about 5 minutes but at least my Pocket Trains saved data copied across..


  9. I have a question for the home brewers in the deadpan community. I have a friend that has started home brewing and wants to put labels on their brews. However, they can’t find any that cost less than $3 a label. Is there a cheap place/method/whatever that they can use to make labels?

  10. OK, I just had to check…. and yes, Robot Jox is on YouTube in its entirety.

    I may have to watch this turkey with the kids some time, just for a 21st century version of “back in my day. . .”

    – – but instead of “we walked 20 miles to school”, it’s “we didn’t have CGI, we had stop-motion and actors in big phony suits! And we liked it!”

  11. My grandmother’s not doing well. She’s been to the hospital twice in the last 6 weeks. She can’t go shopping any more as she just doesn’t have the energy. She wants me to come by next week so she can give me a list and I can do the shopping without her. She’s rather upset at this turn of events. She had booked a cruise and was suppose to be on it now. She had to cancel because of her medical issues. She’s rather mad about that. She’s in her 90’s so I think she’s done well up to this point, especially since she’s still not using a walker or anything and does not need a hearing aid. Also, she’s able to get mad about her situation. *shrug* Go her.

    • My most recent ‘ blond’ moment happened yesterday.

      I was wondering why no sound was coming through my earbuds, I could see the cable plugged, took several minutes to realise I hadn’t put the buds in my ears..

  12. Crap joke for the evening:

    3 guys go camping in their new tent.After a night’s sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others “I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!”The guy sleeping on the right says “Weird! I had the exact same dream!”The guy sleeping in the middle says “I had a dream that I was skiing …”

  13. Your crap joke for a Wednesday (I’m working this weekend so no hump day crap):

    An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound!”

  14. I am somewhat unaccountably giddy to hear a new show with my content included.

    The fun bit for me is it is the most creative podcast work I’ve done in a long time. Obviously, now that I make my own podcast, I make content again, but the nature of an introcast is not so much creative…

  15. Van imitation:

    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an asshole!

  16. The other day while working on my desktop computer it totally locked up. I couldn’t remember the last time I had Windows 7 completely lockup, so I turned the power off and on thinking that would fix it. The system fans turned on but the system would not even boot to the BIOS. That was a bad sign, most likely a motherboard burnout. Several more attempts at waiting and rebooting led to the same result, it wouldn’t boot. According to the internet, I needed to remove all nonessential parts, reset my CMOS and see if I could get to the boot screen. The video card and sound card came out and I reset the CMOS by removing the motherboard battery. Rebooting again, using the motherboard’s onboard video out, still nothing. Crap, the next move was to take out the RAM and hard drive. As I moved to remove the RAM I noticed that the lever on my last RAM card was disengaged. “Well”, I thought, “loose RAM could cause all the problems I was having.” I pushed down on the RAM card and engaged the lever lock, rebooted and… It booted. I spent another hour putting the whole machine back together again. So lesson learned, if you can’t boot at startup, check the RAM first. πŸ™‚

    • While I’m a quite firm believer that a parent should have a very strong say in what their children are exposed to, I do think both the parents reaction and the school’s were indeed overboard. Of course, this parent may have had previous issues dealing with a teacher in the past and felt she needed to go straight to the administration with her concerns. She should at least be given some credit for taking an interest in her daughter’s education.

      • By 10th grade there is simply no way on earth you can shield your child from ALL incidences of these things so rather then uselessly fighting off the deluge with a thimble, wouldn’t it be better to use this as a parent/child teaching moment … make sure your kid understands what appropriateness is. Feel better that they understand that F bombs do exist but aren’t for every occasion and that public groping on a park bench is right out.

        Then feel comforted that you had this talk before your child got the wrong ideas.

  17. Hey, we just published Season One, Episode 6 of The Ghostlight Podcast tonight. If you prefer binge-watching whole seasons, that is Season One completed, so give it a shot on Netflix discs or Amazon Prime…


    As a reminder you get two Deadpan veterans (Amy and myself) and one Deadpan fringe contributor (my lovely spouse Darcy) on every episode of the podcast! And I just have to say Ben Pfeifer could have fit in just fine around here as well.

    Shameless Plugmush Out!

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