384 thoughts on “Jack Mangans Deadpan #236: Selling Something”

  5. Morning pan.
    I managed to drop a Tervis cup on my face this morning. I bruised my right temple and my cheek bone. Yeah, it’s going to be one of those days.

    Explanation, the cups are kept on top of the fridge and someone stacked them too high.

  12. Morning Pan!

    1. Hooray for groupie emails!
    2. Calls for a giant Group Hug! ((((Pixie hugs group/ies))))
    3. Miss Bunny — thank you so much for the Canadian Mint deets. Im going to pass on the $0.25 coin for $30 at this time. Hmpf.
    4. My body has nearly recovered from the brutual weekend at work. My mental status, however, still teeters on the breaking point. Maybe I should say, my mental health is fractured by others’ immeasureable broken mental health.

    Carry on Pannites!

    5. Lets Go Coyotes! HOWWLLLL

  13. The poor guys who are cleaning the yard had to do a dump run part way through. Silly ing is, they didn’t know where the nearest dump was, I had to print out a google map for them

    They also didn’t realize they had to do the part going to our front door. Silly yard men :silly:

  16. Crap joke for the day:

    Girl has baby. The midwife says.
    “He’s black” girl says
    “I needed money so i did a porn film and the guy was black” Midwife says
    “He’s got blonde hair”
    “Well, the other man in the film was blonde” Midwife says
    “He’s got slanted eyes”. She replies “The third man was chinese” The midwife slaps baby and he cries
    “Thank Fuck for that” says the girl,
    “I thought he was going to bark”

  22. On the news they were talking about rumours. Today there were two separate rumours stating Ryan Gosling and the lead singer of Nickleback died. While not true, it makes you wonder how such things get started

  23. Thi afternoon, I dreamt of a demented Mickey Mouse Fantasia interactive theme ride/dinner show. Incredibly bizzare. 

    I came out of the end of it with a wizard hat/shawl thing that I had no idea what to do with it. 

    This is what I get for working a night shift tonight.

  32. In regards to the meetup itinerary:

    Would have to pass on the hiking, as not sure my health is upto it in the heat.

    Thanks for the phone numbers TEB.

  34. Morning Pan.

    Later this morning I get to go out and choose the new tiles for my bathroom. I’m thinking something in a powder blue if it’s available and in my price range

  44. Work is…fun? Last June they changed out my boss and gave me a new one. Now they’ve decided to give me back to my old boss. They also want to expand my duties so I have to go to Ontario for some training. In theory, I’m leaving on Monday and coming back on Thursday. This means I may actually have to work during the days. Play by plays may be affected :cheerful:

  45. Sudden travel plans are driving me nuts. Planned to take the cars in to have the snow tires removed next week. Now I have to rearrange the schedule to fit taking three cars in three separate days, travel to Ontario, Travel to Arizona and month end. I see a lot of pain killers in my immediate future.

      • Air Canada is… horrible. Last week every pilot called in “sick” so many flights were delayed or cancelled. Also, service it terrible, they’ve had so many cut backs etc that check in and actually flying on the plane is not the best experience. For the most part the staff is fine but you can tell they are over worked and over stressed. West Jet is a smaller company and not government subsidized and it shows. When flying on them, it actually feels like they are having fun. Unfortunately, they don’t fly everywhere. But! They do fly to Arizona :happy:

  53. Busy today, so I’m going to compact my usual posts as bullet points in this one post.

    1. RIP Dick Clark.

    2. Downloaded the new Jeff Loomis album today – mind blown.

    3. On Facebook today, my old boss said that he and his wife awoke to see a set of patrol cars parked outside his house. The officers were sorry to inform his wife that he was dead. Apparent mistaken identity.

    4. Great job Amy on your HF segment. I know you invested a lot of time into it and it shows.

    5. While driving to work this morning, I stopped behind a car that had an arrangement of fake flowers attached to the rear radio antennae. The rear window had rear window graphic of a winter scene, snowmen and snow flakes.

    6. Boedker!!!

    7. This weekend, in Reno, my son placed 5th place overall in his regional (California, Hawaii, Nevada, Arizona) gymnastic competition.

  54. Working, mostly, from home, it occurs to me I don’t have much in the way of “office” clothes. I think I can get away with buying just one blouse this weekend (I hope). This sudden trip is really becoming a pain.

    • lol
      “He’s Herman Cain, without the charisma. He’s Michele Bachmann, without the crazy eyes. He’s Rick Perry, without the childlike fascination with maple syrup. He is anything you want him to be, so long as you don’t want him to be anything. He is…the Least Interesting Man in the World.”

  62. Whew! I have finally completed the busiest vacation of my life and I am back. We had a family of 5 staying with us for a week and a half (almost tripled the size of our household). During that time we had one day where a second family came down here and we had to abandon the first family to hang out with the second for a day. I had also completed an assignment at employer 1 and had to deal with endless phone calls about the new assignment I start today. I even had to go in for about 3 hours on Monday to get a training behind me that would allow me to start today. Unfortunately for employer 1, I was also spending my vacation doing several interviews and accepting an offer from employer 2. I get to go into work for a new assignment today and give them two weeks notice. I actually feel really bad about it, but I have to do what’s right for my career. The new employer is actually interested in the graduate work I have done and wants me to work in the field I’m passionate about. Employer 1 wants me to either change careers to Integration & Test (which I hate) or spend the next few years developing training manuals (which doesn’t excite me a whole lot).

    Long story short (too late). I am back now and quite happy.

  63. Morning Pan!

    My schedule for today
    Work
    Finalize my travel arrangements for next week
    Renew the registration for the cars
    Lunch with my Boo
    Purchase travel size shampoo, toothpaste, etc.
    Write a great novel
    sacrifice a virgin
    conquer the world

    whew, I’m tired already and the day has only just begun.

  64. … and WHAT’S the deal with the temperature in Phoenix?
    I hear it’s supposed to be 100•F
    Canadian Deadpanites may have to have a medical crew standing by. Van will simply need to be packed in ice.

  76. Back from lunch with my Boo. Still haven’t found a virgin. I may have to postpone that part until tomorrow. Which means pushing back conquering the world by a day. Sucks, but the gods won’t look favourably on my bid to conquest if I don’t appease them first

    • ahem.

      I just innocently logged in to say hi, and this is what I find??

      A quick break now, then dinner keynotes and junk. So tired.

      Hope you all are doing fine! mwah!

  80. The keynote speaker at this conference is a former undersecretary of defense and he talked a lot about war and defense spending. Interesting a bit.

  85. Ah, at last…internet.

    Whole neighborhood was down yesterday with an outage. Thankfully everything is now back in order.

    /first world problems

  86. My plans for backyard domination are slowly coming to fruition. Had a successful test yesterday. Eventually there will be pictures.

    I’m all tingly. Though, that may just be the rum.

  89. Rhettro said:

    “4. Great job Amy on your HF segment. I know you invested a lot of time into it and it shows.”

    Thank you! Also, congrats to your son! :happy:

    Good night, mush.

  94. Crap joke for the day:

    After 30 years delivering mail on the same route, a friendly mailman was going to retire, and all his customers were sad to see him go. On his last day, the family at the first house on one block came out on the porch, gave him an envelope of vacation money and a bottle of Scotch. At the next house the people gave him a box of Havana cigars and wished him well. The lady at the third house met him …at the door in a flimsy negligee, and without saying a word, led him upstairs to the bedroom for a half-hour of passionate lovemaking, then downstairs to the kitchen, where she finished preparing a lavish breakfast of ham and eggs, buckwheat pancakes with maple syrup and a big pot of coffee.

    As she was refilling his cup, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the saucer.

    “This is all overwhelming,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?

    “Well,” she answered, “this morning I told my husband that you were retiring and asked him whether we should do something nice for you. He said, ‘Fuck him! Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my own idea.”

  97. The hotel I’m staying at says they have free wifi so you might hear from me before and after the business day. Depends *shrug*

    • Super excited for this one. Long as I can catch this, Prometheus, and Dark Knight in theaters it will be successful movie going year for me

          • But the title for international release is so bloody naff.

            ‘Avengers Assemble’ sounds like something out of The Bananas Splits

          • Some have declared zero interest in seeing the Avengers movie that weekend. Others have declared eagerness to see it asap.
            *If* there’s a MMMmmmeetup movie outing, then it should happen early on Saturday, so it doesn’t interfere with the weekend’s other big plans., and so the others can plan a cool alternative.
            I’m easy. Let’s get a consensus and I’ll help figure out the plan.
            Hi.

          • I would have no problem seeing the movie again, in fact would be nice to see how things are done in the USA.

            Anybody now muttering that line from Common People (‘Cos nobody likes a tourist) will get the evil eye.

  103. Did you know if you Google Image “ditto”, 3/4 of the first page is pics of Beth Ditto? If you dont know who Beth Ditto is… just go looky for yourself. SFW results… not safe for the brain. Or eyes.

  110. I recently researched percentages of people who commit fraud, based on what the en-devour was. I was motivated by what I see as a a public that is ready to condemn ALL people who receive public assistance based on the dozen or so folk tales of such things that pass around the Internet.

    What I found was that in ANY group, be it home loans, credit card fraud, food stamps or investment banking … 3% to 5% of those participating commit some form of fraud.

    I found this kind of startling. Glad the number is so low but interesting that it was so consistent.

    I am also amazed at how we justify it as “just a few bad apples” when it is a millionaire that gets caught cheating but when it is some guy getting caught using food stamps to buy beer we condemn the entire welfare program.

  114. Crap joke for the day:

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  119. And since we’re talking NHL. . . Really, Shanahan? *25* games for Torres?? It appears you’ll cave to the social media hysteria, rather than make the right call. The inmates are now running the asylum.

  121. After being around a convention hall filled with estrogen — Im ready for Game 5 of the NHL Playoffs. Blackhawks vs. Coyotes

    We will be there in person to cheer the Coyotes to victory! 

  126. Your crap joke for Sunday is:

    An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years.

    He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and lychee trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

    He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

    The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

    Holding the bucket up he said,
    ‘I’m here to feed the crocodile…’

    Some old men can still think fast.

  127. Hockey tawk/

    If Ottawa pulls off the upset itll be well well deserved. I cant remember the last year there were TWO 1-8 upsets.

    /Hockey tawk

  135. Monday has come way too early this week. My wife and I share many things with each other, though I could do without the sharing of sinus infections…

  138. It’s a good think I keep a close eye on my banking. Just checked my credit card statement on line. Work messed up and charged the flight to my credit card. I told them I expect to get reimbursed when I get in.

  146. My iPad was at 99% when I left the house. It’s now at 74%. Hopefully I can make the 4 hour flight without it dying Lon me. I guess that all depends upon how long it takes fo me to actually get on the plane

  150. Hello, Pan.

    I had an epic dream last night, with plot and everything. It was inspired by Jack’s short story “Bodies in the Water:” there was this giant manmade structure that a lot of people were living in, and it was raining so much that everyone had to escape from the structure, or they would drown. It wasn’t an enclosed dome, though; it was more skyscraper-like. An escape transport comes to the structure, but it’s a hot-air balloon, not a spaceship. Two people get into a fight over who gets to get into the balloon. Also, there’s a device that lets the user make someone else fight by typing commands at a command prompt.

    After the hot-air balloon flies away, the rain becomes less intense, and a fleet of trucks starts pulling into the driveway that connects the giant structure to the rest of the world. The trucks start evacuating the rest of the people.

  151. 12 hours from the time I got to the airport to the time I got to my hotel. I’m tired.

    I know van will have me beat next week but it was only suppose to be a four hour trip.

    Night Pan

  153. Monday recap:

    1. Coyotes Win!
    1a. Mike Smith is an iron-clad Gumby in front of the net.
    2. A crowded bar full of Yotes fans cheered loudly
    3. Coyotes Win!
    3a. Gilbert Brule & Kyle Chipchura should always be linemates. Always.
    4. Enjoyed a Breckenridge Oatmeal Stout (Thanks, Lo Pan)
    5. Had a mini-celly at home for this historic day. Beer included.
    6. People of Walmart (Sexy and I Know It) video is incredible.

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