Jackman Gansde Adpa Nunsh Ow45

La Zys Howno Tes

Jackman Gansde Adpa Nunsh Ow45

Duel of the Fates round one complete. Check the standings on the Deadpan webpage

Greasy Nipples
Ed from Texas
Jeremy from Seattle
Nomad Scry
The Smarty Hotties
Lo Pan
LostRalph (First comment of the week)

Can we hit 500 comments this week on the Deadpan board?

Send in content: 206-350-Tomi (8664) or e-mail: sphericaljackmatgmaildotcom

Closing music (Hey, there was no closing music!)

606 thoughts on “Jackman Gansde Adpa Nunsh Ow45

  1. The only problem with going on holidays is all the work you have to do before you go in preparation. No one does my job while I’m away so I need to get some work done ahead of time or I’m a little overwhelmed catching up when I get back.

  2. Hay pan just have to vent.
    *Open vent*
    we have a VP of a devision bitching about the web filter doing this: “The new approach has placed us at a competitive disadvantage.” because he is getting blocked from some sites we told him let us know what sites and we can exempt them. his thoughts: “It’s a waste of time to keep doing what you suggest, both yours and ours.” it takes an email and 10 seconds than a response email. Not a waist of time to me. So guess what sites will help to put us at a competitive advantage: subaru’s website (he owns one) A shot gun company web site Several resort web site for hunters and others in the same vain. This guy is here 2, 1/2 days a week. My suggestion was tell the owner/CEO what sites he is trying to get to and exactly when basically giving the CEO this guys full web history but my boss wont because he is a “VP”. I don’t care, Owner trumps VP. This filter was also the owners idea.
    *Close Vent*
    *Deep breath in*
    *Deep breath out*
    Thanks Pan sorry for dumping on you like that.

  3. sorry some more info bout my rant:
    My bosses response:
    “Apologize for the inconveniences that this has caused.”
    what a little bitch.
    k i’m done

  4. Reap – I had to have a ‘training’ session because I described a system as ‘fail’ in an email that was then forwarded to the person who had been assigned the impossible job of upkeep for the failed system. No editorializing, I was told. Just the facts.

    But, but, but… *deep breath*

    Pretend the VP is a prince of the realm. The King (owner) is more likely to remove your head than to admonish the prince. Play nice and wait it out until the prince does something that proves their incompetence to the King. Just hope that they aren’t related. Nepotism overcomes incompetence.

    Then when the King remarries, the evil step-mother will deal with the foolish prince and… wait, what? =)

  5. NS: you have a excellent point. I’m lucky here in that the “King” has no real opinion on the “Price”. The king hasn’t been king very long (he is the son of the original owner and actually deserves the kingdome) maybe 1.5 years. Waiting for the price to do something stupid is the problem. he doesn’t do anything at all and could any time use the excuse he is out visiting dealers.

    ooo the dreaded training session those are no fun

  6. Ha! I quit smoking a few years ago. Yay, me. Yay, everyone around me.

    I COULD do the show notes next week, but there won’t be any sort of similar prompt response time, Bunny, like you deliver.

  7. I don’t think Jack cares about timeliness, EssBee. He has told me on more than one occasion that there should be no obligation to do show notes at all. I do it because I enjoy it (does that make me strange?)

  8. I quit smoking 7 years a go when my now wife than GF asked me to. I didn’t find it that hard. I just stepped up through places I wouldn’t smoke. Winter helped this a lot because I got down to “outside down the block” as the only place left. I think the car was the hardest step. The thing that helped the most was that I didn’t hang around with people who smoked as much. I don’t think I could have done it if I was around smokers a lot though.

  9. Our youngest daughter smokes. It drives us nuts. Once she did it in the house and I freaked. She never did that again.

    As a gag Easter gift several years ago, I bought my hubby a pipe very similar to the type Tolkien smoked. He tried that once or twice but couldn’t handle it. The pipe is now in a drawer somewhere.

  10. Now that I think of it, I think I over-indulge my hubby’s Tolkien fanaticism. Maybe I’m an enabler. If you look at the Christmas Flikr pics I posted last week, behind the tree you can see the replica of Sting hanging on the wall. I bought it for him a few Christmas’ ago.

  11. I haven’t seen this movie since it came out, but someone just brought this to my attention, did anybody else notice, in the Jean Claude Van Dam movie Cyborg, a number of the characters are named after guitars? i.e.:

    Gibson Rickenbacker
    Fender Tremolo
    Marshall Strat

    That’s just three of many. I fund this funny πŸ˜†


  12. So hubby’s school had their gift exchange yesterday. He got a gift certificate from Starbucks. I got him to give a gift basket with teas, coffees, biscuits, chocolates, cups, etc.

  13. TEB: If doing work because you enjoy it makes you strange, I don’t want to be normal. I volunteer 3 1/2 hours a week at the local elementary school library because I enjoy being there and working on the project I got assigned to.

  14. I did not know that about Amy. And working at the elementary school library gives you the opportunity to introduce young kids to books like Infected.

    I guess that plan to quit smoking doesn’t work as well if you’re Chaotic Neutral.

  15. Nomad (in response to the comment on last week’s conversation): Bob Rock made Metallica’s guitars and snare drum sound great, but he also encouraged their stylistic change. Where every song on the previous records felt like they’d poured blood, sweat, and beer into the meticulous crafting, the Load albums’ tunes felt a lot more disposable, a lot more commercial, and a lot more hastily-constructed. They’re more to blame than he is, but he’s a cheesy wank and makes for a good scapegoat.

    OK – must focus on work errors. bbl

  16. On how the U.S. has the best healthcare in THE WORLD:

    Mom’s insurance company just called to explain that her $1,800 back brace (purchased and verbally approved of by them – Humana – 4 weeks ago) was being denied. Of course, she’s been wearing it now for nearly 2 weeks.

  17. Metallica, cont.

    I ‘hear’ what you are saying. I had just assumed that it was more a matter of aging than anything else. I would compare them to “my” band, Bad Religion. They’ve done multiple versions of “Digital Boy” but each time they do, it has a slower tempo. (Opinion: No amount of caffeine will match youth.)

    Anyhow, a rock producer named Rock is due for scapegoating.

    Oh, and you never answered the question about S&M. *cough*

  18. Out in the ‘real world’, what the hell are you supposed to do when the people who are supposed to be protecting you decide to screw you over instead? I’m assuming my default response of ‘eff you’ isn’t the right one?

  19. Jack and I have discussed this many times. When Grunge came on the scene there was a lot of pressure from record execs and managers to get Metal bands to change their format so they could get radio play. Some bands just changed their format outright, others changed their sound but never admitted that it was due to pressures from managment, rather the band got “tired” of the old formula or they were trying to “grow” musically. Now, I don’t have anything against musicians growing musically, in fact I encourage it. But when a band adapts the sound of what’s currently popular into their style, I don’t consider it growth. I think that was what happened with Metallica with “Load” Unload” and “St. Anger.” There were a few interesting ideas expressed on “Load” but the thing that made Metallica distinct was lost. “Death Magnetic” tries to correct these errors, but as an album it would have been a lot more relavent if it was released a decade earilier.

  20. So I have a kind of funny story about my wife that is relevant to the Metallica conversation. It involves my favorite band for the last nine years, Nevermore. The Seattle metal band Sanctuary was caught by the rise of grunge in the early 90’s. Two of the band members wanted to change styles and cash in on the trend. Other two wanted nothing to do with grunge and wanted to forge ahead with their unique sound. Consequently Sanctuary broke up ,with two members forming a grunge band and the other two, Warrel Dane and Jeff Loomis, forming a new metal band Nevermore. The grunge band folded in two years and Nevermore got more popular with every new album. Nevermore isn’t the type of music you sit down to and enjoy immediately if at all. You have to hear it a few times for your brain to adapt and start anticipating the changing melodies. The it becomes exceptional music. So anyway, about my wife. LOL She started getting into physical fitness after the start of the millennia. Firstly by doing aerobic classes, then by teaching aerobic classes and currently long distance running. The one constant to all this is music. Aerobics classes, like Jazzercize, typically have play popular music accompanying the workout. This worked out fine for my wife because she’s always liked whatever’s been played on the radio. She’s also been exposed to heavy music by associating with me but hadn’t really listened to metal since the late 80’s. So when she got an iPod some of the Sanctuary and Nevermore music made it over to her player. So she’d be running and then get hit out of the blue by this heavy music. She told me that she listened to it because it was easier than skipping over and it seemed fine to run to. What’s funny though is that she started to learn the songs, listen to the lyrics and now she loves it. She’s skipping over her old pop tunes because they’re too boring and predictable. Now my music collection is also her’s. LOL

  21. and on another note… how the heck did I miss seeing EssBee’s offer to do them?

    Could it be that I haven’t gotten more than 4 hours sleep in a row in over a week?

    I worked 92 hours during my 1st 2 weeks at the job. Go me?

  22. Warm oil. Almond scented preferably.

    And I have to wonder why, EssBee, you think I’d kick your butt? I’m a lover, not a fighter.

    Am I scary?

    A boy at work yesterday said to me, “I’d be really afraid for you to be angry at me.”

    What the heck? Do I emit some sort of evil aura of ass-kickingness?

  23. Cj: I know what you mean. I don’t consider myself intimidating or scary, and yet I still manage to intimidate and scare people. I’ve had people walk into my office and turn around immediately saying, “I don’t think I want to bother you right now.”

    I try to be nice. Really, I do. Maybe I should get rid of the blood sacrifice altar….

  24. re: Metallica & Bob “I Wanna” Rock,

    I agree with Jack’s thoughts about the production quality. Rock did encourage them to strip down the guitar tracks (contrary to popular belief, 8 tracks of exactly the same part never makes anything sound heavier), and he did fix the drum sound and he even managed to make the bass audible. Having said that, he was also responsible for the steaming pile of sonic shit that was St. Anger (which along with Oasis’ “Be Here Now” has to be the worst-sounding major label release I’ve ever heard). But that’s all music techie stuff. I don’t think he did them any favors stylistically, though they have to share some of the blame for that.

    It is possible to “grow” as artists without sucking. They just haven’t figured out how to do it IMO.

  25. It would appear Tiger went down on his own. It’s going to cost him some Fifth Element:

    “Gimme the caaaassshhhhh!”

    “That’s a very nice hat.”

  26. I was going to do this differently but changed my mind so here is:

    10 reasons Santa is a man

    1) No dress sense
    2) Never replies to your letters
    3) The chances of getting what you asked for are nil
    4) Beer belly
    5) Will only commit to one day a year
    6) Obsessed with stockings
    7) Never stops to ask directions
    8) Too lazy to shave
    9) Always wears the same clothes
    10) Only willing to to a job where people leave food and alcohol out for him and doesn’t clean up the dishes after

    (actually number one isn’t true, my hubby has better dress sense than I do)

  27. Hey there Deadpan gang.
    First and foremost, have a good and safe holiday season and don’t party too much over New Year’s Eve… πŸ˜‰

    I will be busy over the Christmas break and since I do not get back to work until Jan 11th here is my chance to get some projects done… So I will be sparse (more than usual anyway).

    Happy Holidaze!

  28. Lo Pan understands it is the holiday season, but today brings a much more important event than 10000000 holiday seasons combined. Yes, todays is Avatar Day. The day when the biggest movie no one is looking forward to is released. It seems so far that 500 million can at least buy you an 82% freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well played there, Avatar Cameron. But can 500 million buy you sustaining power? I think not, James Cavatar. Good luck, sir. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Give Lo Pan cheap indie flicks like Kick-Ass any day over 500million reasons of buffoonery. In fact, fuck Avatar Day. Lo Pan shall prepare for April 16, 2010….Kick-Ass Day.

    Fuck James Avatar.

  29. I sent three gifts to the US. One I know made it (Cj’s) not sure about the other two yet. One of them was to my SS recipient. If you haven’t got it yet, be patient. It was sent on December 7th but US/CDN shipping is a little flighty.

  30. Sorry, Lo Pan. I am looking forward to it. It will be entertainment, pure and simple. It will definitely be better than the last Transformer movies. While robot-porn seems to get a pass from a lot of people, for some reason this movie is inspiring a lot of venom. Go watch it before you decide that they bought off the critics.

  31. So, just dropped my daughter to school. Today is pajama day so she got to wear her Christmas pjs to school. Now we (collectively Dan, Son, and me) get to go back to the school for caroling with the kids.


    I have 2 parties at my house tomorrow for which I must clean and rearrange furniture.

    Shopping and baking for above parties.

    A spreadsheet to complete.

    A show to write and record.

    A map of Holiday Lights to build so that I can take the 6 of us (Dan, kids, MIL, BIL, and me) out Christmas Light viewing tonight.

    Then I’m meeting the girls for drinks and THEN and ONLY THEN…

    will I come home and pass out.

  32. I have to agree with ditto. I’m hesitant to see it, not because of what it is or who made it, but because reviews have been hit and miss and I’m not sure I want to pay $15 to see it first run. It still looks interesting. While I am waiting until it hits DVD, I will see it. I have no burning desire to stand in line at the theatre, but curiosity will draw me in.

    We also have a theatre within walking distance that shows movies a month or two after they come out at half the price of a normal theatre, hubby and I might see it then .

  33. ditto:
    this http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/12/avatar_the_official_music_video.php

    Also I wasnt suggesting they bought of the critics. I was suggesting it took them 500 million to make this into even entertainment. The venom is justified as no one… NO ONE… should receive this kind of money to make a film while there are much more appealing and smartly written films out there that dont get a sniff of cash.

    I do agree with you on Trans2 getting a pass. That was the biggest most racist most idiotic piece of shit I’ve seen in a long long time. And it was made for 300 MILLION LESS THAN AVATAR. Incredible.

  34. Lo Pan: While I don’t disagree with the price tag, I don’t agree with the sentiments. There thousands more crap cheap movies than expensive crap movies. That’s economics. Plus, cheap good movies are being made. “District 9” is a good example.

    Finally, here’s Cameron’s quote on movie making that I think is appropriate:
    “But this isn’t Titanic. Titanic was one of those of those moments when all of the tumblers in the combination lock happened to just line up perfectly. In all cultures in the world, everyone just happened to like that movie! But I can’t run my career trying to reverse-engineer the combination to that lock. If you try to make a movie for everybody, what is that? I have to make a movie for myself and assume that my tastes are so banal and commonplace that someone else will like what I like. I didn’t attend university to study film aesthetics. My film class was a drive-in in Orange County with a six-pack of beer. That’s how I absorb movies, and that’s where I’m stuck as a movie fan.”

  35. Finally, the best thing you can do–that anyone can do in this kind of situation–is to vote with your wallet. If it something you aren’t interested in, don’t pay for it.

    This is why I get frustrated with Slice Of SciFi’s–and other fan’s–position that we as SciFi fans *must* support the industry no matter what. Give a bad show a chance because it *might* get good. Go see a genre movie because it *might* not ever get made again.

    I totally disagree. If it is bad, it is bad and I won’t see it or pay for it. If I think it might be entertaining, I’ll give it a try. If I like it, I’ll buy it. My biggest complaint is that a lot of SciFi fans are willing to accept low-standard fare, so that’s what they’ll get. It’s simple economics, actually.

    Personally, I’ve never seen “GI Joe”, “Catwoman”, or “Spider-Man 3”. And I never intend to. I still want the 2+ hours of my life back for being dragged to see “Battlefield Earth” by friends. I *loved* “Iron Man”, so I’m excited to see the sequel, but afraid of sequelitis.

    IMHO, people are perfectly justified to like and dislike whatever they want, and for whatever reasons they might have. So, feel free to hate “Avatar”. I’m ok with that.

  36. Yeah, but District 9 wasnt Hollywood. Thats why it was one exception to the rule. And I agree that, obviously, there are thousands more cheap movies being made than expensive. However in the thousands being made, while most are shit, a few come along that are mind blowing and genre-changing. Just seems to me that the money sapped up by a generic story like Avatar impedes the creation of better films. Who knows what or how many of these Sony (Sony?) decided to pass up being made in favor of this.

    Then why…the hell…. did he spend so much on this? That quote to me is his rational on why it’ll be ok when Avatar loses god knows how much money.

    I’m fully aware this is just my 2 cents. But I’m passionate about my 2 cents. Its all I have.

    Happy Avatar Day.

  37. Dear My DPSS:

    I think something arrived at home – Sly B mentioned a fun-looking package. I’ve been at my parents since last week. You can tell my the increase in grey hairs on my head and the wrinkles that have sprouted and my general look of grouch.

    I am going home tomorrow for a spell, and will be tearing into whatever it is then. w00t!

  38. I for one like the constraint of the cinema. Once I’ve paid to get in I’m not leaving till I’ve seen the flick.

    At home I find it hard to sit still for 2+ hours to watch a film, one of the reasons I don’t buy DVDs for myself now.

  39. Morning Pan.

    I got my DPSS gift a couple of days ago. I think I didn’t catch who it was from but I’ll double check the box. THANKS!!

    Kerry and I can’t wait to have a party with colored space invader’s ice cubes!

    RE: Avatar. I’ll see it. I think the price tag is pretty redic, but then when you get into the 3-d theater it may be crazy amazing. You never know. BUT the storyline, yeah that spoon-fed drivel has got to go. Take that amazing tech and apply it to, say one of Alistair Reynolds space operas…show us a 3-d chase through Chasm City….fucking make Neuromancer even…jeebus.

  40. I actually know almost nothing about Avatar, other than blue people. I intentionally avoid trailers or advance info for anything I know I’m going to see. I plan on seeing it this weekend – – maybe even tonight.
    For me, this *IS* about James Cameron. I like his work. I don’t think he’s ever made a mediocre movie; everything’s been fantastic.

    There are some authors who get my same faith. When they release a new book, I’ll read it.

    I’ll agree that $Half-a-billion seems a little excessive, though. How much is that by frame? By scene? I agonize over the extra dollar to make it a combo at Subway; I can’t fathom economics on that scale.

  41. Aw Jack, Lo Pan wishes he could be more like you and ignore movie mania. Lo Pan isnt built like that. Hey, Lo Pan knows for every Titanic there has been 10 great movies he’s made. I’m not anti-Cameron. Cept for this movie. I think he’s over his head here.

    You can afford subway?

    JfS… Lo Pan gonna see that soon. Me loves me some Family Guy Star Wars

  42. One thing I’ll note: the $0.5B price tag is a little misleading. From what I’ve read, and I can be entirely wrong about this, is that this is the cumulative cost to make, produce, and market the movie. A big chunk of that price tag is for the world-wide ultra-hype marketing that is making everyone sick right now. When they quote price tags for other movies, they don’t include marketing. So, this figure is being thrown around basically to piss people off, which I don’t think is fair.

    Still, it is an incredibly expensive movie. Will it be worth it? I don’t know, but I don’t doubt it will make that money back and more.

  43. Regardless of, and I cant confirm or dent ditto, thats still more money going into a movie than the GDP of all but 21 countries in the world. ANd if I find out that other movies do this but just dont share th einformation, then I’ll be just as livid at those.

  44. Is it wrong to want to see an Armageddon 2? Best Bay film ever.
    Which, yes, is like saying “Hey, thats the least stinkiest dog shit in the yard.”

  45. Lo Pan. Criticize away. You are very right. That money could be put to better use.

    “Armageddon” was fun, but talk about horrific science. Sort of makes red matter look tame. πŸ˜‰

  46. Happy Avatar Day!

    ditto, Armegeddon was to science as Pearl Harbor was to history. Oh that Bay, he can destroy anything.

    Hmmm, link isnt working, ditto

  47. Ah! Was able to read it. See thats just one of numerous conflicting reports, especially cause this one seems to be coming from Fox. I’m sure we’ll know eventually. Regardless of its indeed become the poster child of Hollywood expense, for right or wrong. And I’m running with it.

    Happy Avatar Day.

  48. Ah! I didnt fucking think about all the IMAX screens theyre gonna show this on at 15 – 20 bucks per ticket for the “true Avatar” experience. Jesus James, you really are issuing a new experience in Cinema. I already have to mortgage the house to see a film, you want my first born now too?

  49. Dammit ditto! This just confirms my suspisions. SOmething wasnt adding up. Not my child, Mr. Avatar! GIMMIE BACK MY SON!

    And Happy dittopan Lo Pan Avapan Day!

  50. Lo Pan: I secretly suspect that Cameron is really a machine and he’s prepping the day for the Matrix harvesting us.

    Happy Lo Jack Deadpan Avapan Day

  51. Fun fact! People seem to hate Stargate Universe. Theres even petitions to get it cancelled. What the fuck, people?

    I knew I shouldnt have fallen in love with the show. Its gritty and real “if I can use that word here” and has good characters and is everything SGA wasnt, IMO. Blahhhhhhhh.

  52. What my dark black heart wants for 2010 is a Neuromancer film that everybody loves except those that read the book first.

    Then I can put on a big grin, wave the Bladerunner DVD under their noses and say ‘Welcome to my world’.

  53. As one friend says, “Who barfed BSG on my SGU?” I tell her that is what finally made Stargate (TV) palatable to me. I grew up on cheezy SciFi. Been there, done that, don’t need to do it again.

  54. Re: Lo Pan’s link about the Neuromancer movie:

    (I think this is a particularly appropriate moment to invoke this meme:)


    Actually, that was a knee-jerk reaction. Maybe Christensen will act better under a better director. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

  55. Amy – as one whos seen Jumper and Factory Girl I can definitively say…. probably nay.

    ditto: confused. are you saying you agree or no agree with your friend? Answer carefully as EssBee and I are pointing Zat’ni’katels at you.

  56. Jfs: Not yet. I plan on seeing Invictus over the holidays.

    Lo Pan: I disagree. I like SGU, though I’ve only watched the first 5 episodes.

    Amy: I haven’t seen anything in which he hasn’t sucked.

  57. If voting with your wallet is the only requirement, then Titanic is literally the greatest movie of all time. Show of hands who believes that…

    Invictus? Soccer flick? Like to.

  58. omg that vid does rule..

    lulz at this komment for the vid:
    “No, that’s just a Hyundai Genesis that was left alone for about an hour in downtown Detroit.”

  59. Ok yeah….. any review, even positive, with the phrase “I’m not going to talk about plot (or that I thought to myself, Dances with Wolves in space more than once)” means fail.

    Look I dont care about looks. I think Lindsey Lohan looks great but I know what filth she contains on the inside.

    See now its become personal to hate this film due to the film itself and that was never my intention. Oh good job Deadpan!!!!!!!!! *cries Black Blood of the Earth*

  60. OMFG “But about 30 minutes in to the film, you realize that the marketing has undersold the movie. ”

    UNDERSOLD????????? 250-300 million on marketing is UNDERSOLD?????
    *fumes and goes to mini-bar*

  61. Dont get me wrong, with all this ranting I have to see it too so I can confirm/deny my claims.

    Happy Avatar SGU Zat’ni’gatal dittvan Jack Lo Day!
    *passes out*

  62. Ok so it seems the consensus is great looking crappy movie. Sorry I dont see how this is movie changing, specially for the cost. It better look like Mila Kunis and Milla Jovovich’s lovechild.

  63. From the Daily Dish:

    Guy walks into a lawyer’s office, sits down, and says “Sir, I have a simple legal problem and not much money. Can I ask you just two questions, for one hundred dollars even?”
    Lawyer: “Sure. What’s the second question?”

  64. And another:

    A man walks into a bar.

    He wears a charcoal gray suit, a charcoal hat, charcoal socks, black leather shoes, and a silver Porsche watch on the wrist of the hand that carries a rather large briefcase, which he carefully sets down before straddling a stool and addressing the bartender.

    “A Knob Creek Manhattan, up,” the man says.

    “Sure thing, buddy.”

    As the bartender turns his back to mix the drink, the contents of the briefcase are emptied, and when he returns, serving the drink on a square napkin, he sees spread out on the shiny wooden bar top a miniature piano, a tiny piano stool to scale, and atop it a little man, 12 inches tall, playing faint music that sounds like Brahms’ Piano Concerto 2 in B flat major.

    “Well I’ll be damned,” the bartender says. “Where did you get a little guy like that?” He hunches over to scrutinize the musician more closely. “Look at those long, tiny fingers!”

    The man, having gulped half his drink, says nothing, but the bartender presses him, and finally he erupts. “It’s a long story,” the man says. “But it all started with this magic lamp.” At this he reaches back into the briefcase, produces in his diminutive hands a small, golden lamp, and shoves it toward the bartender, who yanks the towel from his waist and begins polishing.


    When the smoke clears, a genie is revealed hovering in the air between the man and the bartender. “You’ve got one wish,” the genie demands. “Use it or lose it.”

    The bartender stammers. “I’ll be,” he says, feeling rushed. “Well I guess I wish for… I wish for… I wish for $10 million bucks!”


    The genie is gone.

    The bar is quiet, except for the faint sound of Brahms rising from the bar top, and the bartender, regaining his composure, starts to worry.

    “Hey, what about my wish,” he says. “Nothing happened.”

    But that very moment, over at the open door, a fluttering is heard, and then a quack, and in waddles a duck, followed by a second duck, and a third — and soon the bar is filling with a badelynge, a bunch, a brace, a grouse, a whole flock of quacking mallards. They stream in without end.

    “Now wait just a minute,” the bartender cries. “I see what’s happening here! I didn’t wish for a million ducks! I wished for a million bucks!”

    The man, world weary, sighs knowingly.

    “Do you think,” he said, “that I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

  65. I can’t resist. One more:

    Two old men, next door neighbors, meet every evening to walk their dogs.

    “You know what?” Harry says one evening. “Twenty years walking through this park, and we’ve never once stopped in at that bar to have a drink.”

    “Sure, I’m thirsty,” Dick says. “But we’ve got the dogs.”

    “Oh, I’ve already thought of that,” Harry says. “Just follow my lead.”

    So they walk over to the bar, where sitting on a stool outside the door is a bouncer.

    “Sorry gents, no pets in here,” the bouncer says.

    “Oh, you don’t understand,” Harry replies, “this is my seeing eye dog.”

    “Oh, I beg your pardon,” the bouncer says. “Go right ahead.”

    So Harry leads his German Shepard into the bar, while Dick steps before the bouncer.

    “Sorry sir, no pets,” the bouncer says.

    “Oh, you don’t understand,” says Dick. “This is my seeing eye dog too. We’re all friends over at the old folks home for blind people.”

    The bouncer looks suspiciously at Dick.

    “I don’t know, buddy,” he says, “they gave you a chihuahua for a seeing eye dog?”

    Says Dick, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

  66. Vanamonde: That shirt is epic!

    In a similar vein, I installed the Vimperator add-on for Firefox to encourage myself to learn how to use Vim more quickly.

  67. Now THIS is what 3D is good for!

    When you need to distract people from the the movie itself … slap on a big ‘ol coating of 3D. Get them watching the “effects” and they might not notice the lack of “movie” underneath.

  68. No, but I have a GREAT joke about a Cajun wrestler named Boudreaux. I’ll have to tell that in person someday, though, so you can hear the accent.

  69. After several weeks of bouts of craptastic weather, today it was clear and dry and warm enough for me to wash both my vehicles again. Looks like I should enjoy them until Christmas.

    I enjoy having clean vehicles…..not so much the cleaning itself, but the result it well worth it.

  70. Just finished watching “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist” with Darcy. Followed the entire story arc of the gum this time.

    Don’t ask, you’ve got to see it…

  71. RE:Nick and Nora and the gum: Kinda gross and cool at the same time. I dunno why.

    Michael Cera is a little cutiepie. Not actually in a swooonworthy way, but I wouldn’t mind talking to him over a cup of tea.

  72. On another note the strangest thing happened to me tonight.
    OK maybe not strange, but this type of thing doesn’t happen to me… it happens to… other girls.

    I was at a karaoke bar that I have frequented enough to be considered semi-regular. I was there with my mother-in-law and a girlfriend. The 3 of us were up at the bar chatting and whatever. There are 2 dudes at the bar, one of which was highly intoxicated. He asks us if any of us are single. We tell him that we are not single. Fine. Go away drunk guy. Well drunk guy decides that he doesn’t care that I’m married… he won’t give up to the extent that the bartender had to throw his dumb ass out of the bar. Seriously… Stupid crazy drunk idiot.

  73. That’s because you are badass, Cj. I hope the scene didn’t get too uncomfortable.

    UsedHair’s Plasticines comments are free.

    So – went to the 3D IMAX Avatar tonight. That’s the way to see this movie.

  74. Drunk guy = yuck.

    Sly B is coming to pick me up today. While I’ve been really pleased to be able to help my parents out for these NINE FUCKING DAYS, I need a little me time. We’re coming back here on Tuesday to spend 3 days of XMAS gluttony with them, so it’s a short amount of me time.

    I bought my mom a little 8G iPod nano for XMAS so that I could load some audiobooks on there for her. They’re pretty slick these days, although I am pretty attached to my 60G Classic.

    Have a wonderful Saturday, all of you!

  75. Hey Deadpan!

    I’m not really here. Just a quick hop in to say hello.

    Hubby had a nice birthday yesterday. We didn’t do much, but it was relaxing. He got home early (by about 4:30) we had McDonalds for supper and we stayed in and watched a couple of episodes or Original Star Trek on Blu-Ray.

    After that, we were surfing the channels and found the Hooters Bathing Suit Competition. A perfect show for for a guy’s birthday πŸ˜‰

    We are now on holidays until the 31st (damn month end). Hubby has a fair amount of family that lives here in Calgary so we’ll be doing the family thing. I’ll try to check in once a day or so, but can’t guarantee much more than that.

    have a super Saturday!

  76. Hail, Pan!

    This is a day for much achieving. No kids game this weekend and it is for the most part wide open. I’ve got a long list of things I’ve been wanting to get done around the house, but haven’t been able to string together the time or interest. Today, I am a tornado….well, except for all that laying waste to the land business.

  77. Hello Pan, hope everyone’s day is going good, and/or getting better. Currently 50% complete for christmas shopping.

    Odd moment of the day: Driving by a church named “Our Lady of Lebanon” in my mind I read ” Our Lady of Libation”. I think I need a beer or 3.

    Odd thought of the day: If beer is proof God loves us, would that make AA meetings the work of the devil?

    Now I’m off to brave the mall *shudder*

  78. Happy Saturday! I hosted my 3rd annual breakfast with Santa at my house this morning. It’s always fun! The kids get goodie bags, pictures with Santa, and a chance to run amok in the playland that is my backyard.

    The grown-ups (some bring kids and some don’t) enjoy nummy breakfasty things and chit chat. Good times.

  79. Lo Pan, ditto: Since I haven’t seen anything non-Star Wars that Hayden Christensen has been in, I guess I stand corrected about his acting.

    Jack: My commentary was simply based on the fact that all the best Star Wars movies are the ones where directing duties were handled by someone else.

    Jeremy: I love the idea of custom smilies! All the ideas that have been listed so far sound like they would see plenty of use.

  80. Bunny, THANKS for my DPSS gift. Love the chocolates (that won’t last long around us) and can’t wait to read The Pillars of The Earth (Ken Follett)!!

    Oh, it’s good to be home.

  81. Hey EssBee, glad it came ok. Just a heads up, it’s not exactly a shiny happy book but still worth it in my mind.

    Cj can tell you, those chocolates are quite decadent.

    That’s two of my three US packages I know were received. Jack, did you get yours too?

    Now, this slightly tipsy bunny is going to watch the rest of the hockey game…

  82. I did have a lovely package in my mailbox today! Yes, thank you very much, Bunny. I’ll have to try to wrangle up some of the Deadpan folk to watch those movies, as per your recommendation. Thank you so much!

    What a coincidence Jeremy – – I also like Thievery Corporation and have been described as “all stupid but sexy”.

    I hope you heed my recommendation about the IMAX 3-D, Van.

    Goodnight, whyamIstillup.

  83. No local IMAX Jack, so just the Real3D for me.

    So Avatar, well didn’t hate the movie, yes the plot puts the C in cliche, nice SFX and way too long..but heh it was a fun ride for a Sunday morning.

  84. Just back from Avatar. I really enjoyed it. It is exactly what I expected and what I believe it billed itself as: a fun space opera. It really is Dances with Wolves in space, which I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Yes, it is predictable and has some rather amusing dialog. However, it was a beautiful movie. The CGI was well done and the Na’vi did not suffer from uncanny valley problems. I also liked the blend of Chinese mythic landscapes populated by “Indians” tribes with some African mysticism thrown in for good measure. Overall, I was very entertained.

  85. D’oh! And it was even today. I thought short term memory loss was supposed to be the sign of getting old…..er, wait a minute!

    Well anyway, this will be the first app I try for my Touch. Free is good.

  86. Van: The Uncanny Valley is a psychological problem relating to CGI depictions of people. People are pretty willing to accept a CGI representation as a person, especially as the graphics get better and better. Until a point. At that point, people’s minds begin to reject the representation. It looks like a person, but there is something wrong. It is “uncanny”. When quality improves further, this problem goes away.

    The graph of acceptance vs quality makes a kind of S-curve. The dip where people have problems is called the uncanny valley.

    The CGI movie “The Polar Express” is a good example of this problem. There were many people that had problems with the graphics.

    Now, Cameron has an easier job with the CGI since these are “aliens”. However, they are very humaniod aliens. We are meant to accept them as people. I found that the CGI quality was excellent. Good enough where I completely forgot about it. Which is why I didn’t notice uncanny valley problems.

  87. I did like the fact that the female Na’vi were not over endowed as they tend to be in scifi movies.

    Morning Pan, bloody freezing, warming hands on laptop.

  88. Ed: I also recommend the Pandora radio app (of course free).

    Van: What’s the problem with over-endowed female aliens? If they’re good enough for Kirk, they’re good enough for me.

    And I personally felt the problem with the Polar Express animation was in the movements as opposed to the eyes.

  89. my 2 cents on polar express: sorry couldn’t watch it. My daughter was baby sitting my little cousins and they where watching. I think it was creepy because of the eyes and movements so i had to leave.

  90. Good morning, Gents!

    Bunny, those chocolates are ORGASMIC.

    Today: Sly B and I are awaiting delivery of a ton of pellets for our stove ($300) and then are off to Boulder (ugh) for lunch with a friend who is cat-sitting for us while we are out holiday visiting for the next 6 or 7 days. We’re then going to my favorite spot in Boulder, the game store It’s Your Move, to see if we can find something fun for us to play with our parents as we visit, and something for the 4 and 7 year old nieces. Should be a pretty fun day.

    Oh, we watched Waters of Mars last night and LOVED it. Tonight we may catch up on Dollhouse.

    Stay warm, Van!

  91. Morning Pan!

    Busy week upcoming. Today we’re going for East Indian buffet lunch with friends. tomorrow we spend the day with my grandmother, Wednesday we’re spending the afternoon having tea with friends, visiting hubby’s grandmother Thursday…

    I thought, when you go on holidays, you’re suppose to relax.

  92. My hubby is a sweetheart!

    He was on the airline site for another reason, saw there was a seat sale so booked my flight for the Deadpan mmmm meet-up as an early Christmas gift. I spoke to Cj (when he told me he was going to do this) and everything is set up (so we can’t change the date now).

    Looking forward to seeing you all (and some of you again) then!

  93. So, Sage Tyrtle is rounding up poetry samples from adolescence, and when I asked she said prose would also be accepted. I went in search of the plastic bin of past writings. I found some late-80’s stuff to use, but that’s not my point here…

    I found, to my surprise, I discovered the original longhand version of the performance art piece that I thought was lost and I based “The Sad Tale of Jimmy-Life and Death of a Party Animal” on. The Jimmy story was in an ep of the Deadpan last May, anyone want to hear a recording of the original?

  94. Sure, JB, go for it. —- just don’t send a reading of the Spork slash. Cj would probably have some good stuff for Sage Tyrtle too.

    Go Mr. TEB! That’s great news, Bunny. Now everyone else has that much more encouragement to show up. Second weekend in MMMmmmarch.

  95. And of course if other Panites have poetry of their past you can send it to sagetyrtle at gmail, she will have a minion read it in what she is calling “1973 Poetry Reading Style”. (There will be drums).

  96. At last, I have Ewallet in a handheld format once again. I had been using it’s predecessor, Flexwallet, going back to my PocketPC days. It looks like there’s never going to be a Palm Pre version (and it looks like the company has also dropped support for the old Palm OS as well).

    But, my Touch runs apps, don’t ya know! I feel a moment of geeky bliss upon me.

  97. Currently curled up on the couch with a warthog in my hand (it’s a beer), listening to my hubby channel his inner Pantera. This is what holidays should be. *contented sigh*

  98. Midnight nachos are made of win.

    Poetry from the 80’s? *MY* poetry? Scary.

    “Im late! Im late! For a very important date! No time to say hello! goodbye! Im late! Im late! Im late!” (For the holidays. I’m srsly never going to be ready in time)

  99. /slips

    /falls on ass

    Nomad! How many times have I told you not to just leave your black heart lying out on the floor like that! It’s slippery!

  100. Ed if your tempted to raise the stakes and stump up a few bucks for apps then searchbon the app store for:

    Flight Control
    Harbour Master

  101. The house guest arrived last night.
    His memory is going (had to be shown where his bedroom was several times) and she wants to tell me endless depressing stories of how bad his memory is getting.
    The only slightly amusing part is when she is telling me how bad his memory is and she repeats a story she just told me 20 minutes ago.

    Alzheimer’s sucks.

  102. Morning pan, I’m actually being productive today. I have gotten 4 servers updated and cleaned along with the fans and power supplies for the blade server rack. I was amazed by the amount of metal shavings found in there.

  103. I think we’re setting up a new Deadpan segment. Actually, I think Cj already set it up for us.

    If my folder of godawful teenage poems still exists, then it’s somewhere back in my old NJ room.

  104. What am I getting blamed for now?

    Yeah, I’ll call in and read my bad old poetry. Suddenly trying to remember if I actually showed that to one of you now.

    Good gawd, it’s truly awful

  105. Weird here, they say a huge winter storm is bearing down on us, travel may be tough on Friday.

    Totally doesn’t seem like it. We only have a 45 min. drive to my folks’ house Friday.morning, and I have no idea wht that drive will be like…

  106. And for some bad poetry, let’s take a brief tour inside the songs that run through my head now and again…

    I wear my sunglasses at night
    so I can…
    so I can…
    blame it on the rain
    Yeah, yeah.
    Here comes the rain, again.
    falling on my head like a memory
    falling on my head like a new emotion.
    Here it comes again,
    here it comes again.
    Red rain is falling down,
    Red rain,
    Red rain is pouring down,
    Pouring down all over me.
    Hanging around, nothing to do but frown
    Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
    Tell me why
    I don’t like Mondays.
    Tell me why
    I don’t like Mondays.
    I want to shoot the whole day down.
    Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go,
    I want to be sedated.
    Nothing to do and no where to go
    I want to be sedated.
    There’s lots of pretty pretty ones
    They want to get you high,
    But all the pretty pretty ones
    Will leave you low, and blow your mind.
    I want a new drug.
    One that does what it should.
    One that won’t make me feel too bad;
    One that won’t make me feel too good.
    Can you take me high enough
    to fly me over yesterday?
    Can you take me high enough?
    I’m so glad that I know more than I knew then.
    Gonna keep on tryin’ till I reach the highest ground.
    Anymore Anymore Cannot take it anymore
    Got to get away from this stone cold floor.
    Nowhere to look but inside
    where we all respond to

  107. BAH the rest got taken down by the studio. Anywho safe to say theres not a movie I’m looking forward to more next year.

    JfS is that a beatbox in your pocket or are you… you know.

  108. Alright, the LOTR FB string was pretty good. Not quite as impactful as the Star Wars ones as that stuff just runs in our blood. But, still pretty good.

  109. So….fucking….gooooooooooood

    We were so happy…
    Things worked out better than we had planned
    Capital from boy, woman and man
    We were like ink and paper
    Numbers on a calculator
    Knew arithmetic so well
    Working overtime
    Completed what was assigned
    We had to multiply ourselves
    A bouncing little baby
    A shiny copper penny
    And he spent himself
    Would not listen to us
    But when he lost his appetite
    He lost his weight in friends
    Baby became a fat nickel so fast
    Then came puberty
    Soon our boy became a million
    People loved him so
    And helped him to grow
    Everyone knew the thing that was best
    Of course, he must invest
    A penny won’t do
    But he made us proud
    He made us rich
    But how were we to know
    He’s counterfeit
    Now everything’s ruined

  110. Jack: Yep, this definitely sounds like a new Deadpan segment. πŸ™‚

    Lejon: Around here, we call that string of lyrics you just posted a “lyrics mash.” Lyrics mashes have appeared as Deadpan segments before, and that one would make a great one. If you’d like to submit one, all you have to do is record yourself reading your string of lyrics – not singing, just reading – and submit it. πŸ™‚

    I had a very successful day of Christmas shopping today! (Yes, I put off shopping for family until the last minute. -_-; ) Two of the three presents I got are already wrapped and under the tree, the other one still needs to be made.

  111. Amy speaks the truth. The lyricsmash segments were always fun; I’d hate to think their time has come and gone. Lejon, consider yourself encouraged to record that, if you have the time and inclination.

    Lo Pan- I never knew they’d made an actual video for “Everything’s Ruined”! Brilliant song, brilliant album, brilliant band.

    Goodnight, Mike Patton.

  112. Oh wait.

    So get this. I can’t post to the deadpan from work but I found a way to read comments. RSS Feeds are made of win. Sooooo… at least I’m not completely out in the cold.

    Tho… I am lonely now with the nobody to talk to thing.

    boo hoo

    OK – I’m just fake crying. Can’t pull one over on all y’all can I?

  113. I seem to have misplaced a box of Kleenex. on.. it’s under the tree. Why is it there? I’d go get it but I have my stupid knee propped up with a hotpad right now. It rained today and aggravated my old age.

  114. Cj – I tend towards being/getting confused, so I catch up on the daily nips via Google Reader (having plugged the DP RSS in quite a while ago). It neatly takes care of wondering if I’ve already read everything or not.

  115. Morning pan. Going in for a half day. The long weekend beckons. Hopefully going to find time to catch Avatar and the new Sherlock Holmes sometime between the festivities.

  116. Good Morning Van – I may or may not shoot me an email let me know what is going on and I will take of it like a Wolf eating a Bunny or let you know if things is alright… πŸ™‚

  117. morning pan, cleaning out more servers today. I’m SO glad we use blades now. I grab an older server are are trying to replace and I think I nearly pulled something. I think the 8 Blades servers we had weight less they this one old server.

  118. Looks like Sherlock is getting semi-good reviews. Ill have to check it out here soon. Lo Pan approves of Robert Downey Jr. in most anything. Lo Pan has his man crush too, you know.

  119. Oh yes, and good morning, Pan.

    I used my alarm clock this morning so I could get up and play catch up on some of the things on my “to do” list. I’m seriously so behind that if I get any more behind on things, I’ll literally have to go back in time to catch up and last time I checked, I don’t actually own a flux capacitor.

  120. Morning, Pan! Sly B and I are currently snowed in (about 8 inches and falling) at my parents’ house. Fear not – we have lots of snacks.

    Cj, take care of that knee!

    Hope you all are happy!

  121. *Cough* I think I will be coughing up computer dust for a week. I clean out our server room and on Monday I have to do the same at the other plant. *COUGH* what a mess

  122. About ten years ago I helped install (meaning, I helped carry) a very small server. Hot swap hard drives. Hot swap and redundant power supplies. Very cool.

    Very freakin’ heavy. And the little coat closet they had us put it in was a heat box. *shakes head*

  123. CJ & NS:

    I too use google reader to read DP comments. At work I can sometimes find time to read them that way, but then I either have trouble following the links because the content is blocked or because I don’t want someone stumbling in and seeing me watching youtube (or what have you).

    On the other hand, if I wait until I get home, there are often WELL over 100 comments waiting for me. So there are simply some days where I look at the daunting number of comment and hit “mark all as read”. It’s sometimes a no-win situation for me. But I do what I can.

  124. NS, about 10 years ago every server i installed was a two man job. now the blade enclosure when empty is only about 50lbs. the unit we have has 6 power supplies 10 fans built in fiber channel bridge and switches. it is pretty impressive and all this can take care of up to 16 servers. I think when it is full it can hold up to 500Lbs and it is only 10u high.

  125. Well I’m off for 3 days now..yah!

    …and just to stick a finger up at the season, I will later be seeing a Japanese film about a young man being made redundant from an orchestra who ends up being emplyed as an undertaker.

    Scrooge..fooking amateur…

  126. Bunny, remember to work her hard on the boards to dig out those loose pucks.

    I think I know what needs to be done to handle that remote device problem – – just done a horrible job of time management lately.

  127. Doing a bit if reading before I take off. The book had a cute joke in it:

    God has Adam approach and says, ” I have two pieces of good news and one piece of bad. Which would you like to hear first?”
    “Oh, the good news” says Adam
    “well,” says God, “I’ve decided to give you something called a brain. You will find you will look at things in wonderment and achieve much pleasure”
    “What’s the other good news?” asked Adam
    “I’m also giving you a penis,” said God, “it will be a thing if wonderment ond give both yourself and Eve great pleasure.”
    “That’s wonderful. What’s the bad news?” asked Adam
    “you won’t be able to use both at the same time.”

  128. This will take some adjustments and a little getting used to. As I say in the “Whoa.” post, hit me up with questions, concerns, suggestions, comments, etc.

    Big thanks to JfS for putting this together!

  129. My experience with servers is this: They put pretty pictures on my screen.

    That being said, there’s an old computer at work that I may be able to snag. I want to try to set up a ghetto music server in the house, or a mail server. That will require much learning.

  130. Not even close to stopping snowing here. Fuck it. Is what it is.

    I was gonna say the brain creatures from Wheeled Warriors… but thats not it probably either.

  131. The only problem with the mobile theme on the iPhone is you can’t zoom out and this makes scrolling when there are a lot of comments more labourious.

    Still it can be turned off.

  132. Hey guys, I’m back. Sweet new look. I do miss having the url to individual comments. I would bookmark the last one I read so that I could keep track. Maybe JfS can put that back?

    Ed: Did you like the gift?

  133. I likey the new site. I need to go make sure I have clean :panties: before I head out to work.

    I just wanted to use an emote. I am ALWAYS wearing clean :panties: honest.

    Talk to you later :pan:

  134. Well, this is going to take a bit of getting used to, but I like it.

    Any chance of getting the time stamps back on? I rely on that to help me figure out how far to scroll back when I get home and can check the :pan:

  135. I’ll work on stuff over x-mas break. It’s fun. Let me know any requests and I’ll make them as I have time. If you want to make your own, keep them around 40×40 or under, and send them to me. PNGs with transparency please.

  136. New theme FTW! And I love the new smilies! πŸ˜€ It would be cool to have a “night” one (maybe just a crescent moon and some stars on a dark blue/black background) so that we could post “Night, Pan” using icons.

    Let’s see if my Gravatar has registered yet…

  137. Stargate rulz. Ok so heres the thing. Correct me if Im wrong but wouldnt everyones life be that much better if a Major Samantha Carter were in it? Smart and sexy, shed enhance so very much…uh….

    *realizes he sounds like the worst kind of fanboy and pretends this never happened*

  138. Yes, the gift was most excellent. Though, I think my wife is going to steal it.

    Rum makes everything better. I expect plenty of it come March 13th.

    Oh, and to make it publicly official, I will be coming to the Deadpan gathering in March. I expect to see you there.

  139. And it’s another All Hallow’s Eve with spirits roaming loose about the countryside, questing for candy and souls to devour….

    wait, what? Christmas Eve, you say? Man, I was really hoping for some candy, but I guess presents will have to do. πŸ™‚

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