543 thoughts on “Jack Mangans Deadpan #291: Too Gross

  1. Whoa… am I that guy? That guy that walked in just as everyone has left the party?

    Shit. I feel like St. Clement, always too late for consideration. That and being tied to an anchor and thrown into the sea. That kind of feels relevant as well.

  2. As I sit eating my bowl of maple syrup flavoured wall paper paste I reflect on things past.

    But enough of such fluff, I’m off to Edinburgh to see the new Hobbit film.

    That makes a kinda a sorta of sense if you think I sound scottish…

  3. Your crap joke for the day:

    The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said, “Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw.”..”That guy,” said the bride, “double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!”

  4. Spoilers for ‘Return of the Bard’:

    >N
    You go north.
    You at the base of the mountain.

    You see;
    Bard
    Dragon

    ASK BARD TO SHOOT DRAGON
    Bard takes aim and shoots the dragon.
    The dragon is dead.

    • ” 1.0 out of 5 stars Thanks a lot, Bic., April 21, 2013
      By T. Kaye “tk” (Rockford, IL United States) –
      This review is from: BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, 1.0mm, Black, 16ct (MSLP16-Blk) (Office Product)

      I used one of these pens post-hysterectomy, and my uterus grew back. Thanks a lot, Bic. Thanks a whole hell of a lot. “

  5. Your crap joke for the day:

    The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”The man on the phone responded, “This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.”So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”..”Yes,” the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?”…”Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy!”

  6. Thanks, friends. I think #200 was our big fun retrospective episode. This is how I wanted the “Finale” episode to be…

    That said, the door is still unlocked, ajar, dog-door-swingin’, if you ever have a story you need to share with the world. Say, for example. . . if you lock your keys in the car while it’s running. . . .or if you’re an old guy walking along, telling a story about old-time America, and you get hit by a train.

  7. Some of you may recall that I cut my finger the other day while trying to construct a Christmas present.
    Someone noticed the bandaid (“plaster” for you none US peoples) this morning and ask what happened.
    Without hesitation I held my hand up and replied “If you cut it then you shoulda put a bandaid on it”.

    Eyes rolled in sockets. Groans were issued. Someone began furiously looking for Van’s coat.

    Almost worth getting the wound.

  8. Thank you for the shout out in this, your final regular Deadpan episode, Jack.

    It was a great ride and as long as I have an unlimited hosting account, jackmangan.com and the deadpan has a home.

    I’m going to miss regular pans, but if you find more time to write stories, create music or just have more time to hang out and enjoy the company around you, then missing the pan won’t seem nearly as bad.

  9. I find that the marketing for “The Anchorman 2” is nearly inescapable.

    It almost makes me feel like I have shirked some sort of public duty for having not seen the first film.

  10. CW: The Tunnel E1

    Give this a miss since it’s a UK remake of ‘The Bridge’, but after answering a question from Essbee thought I would give it a go.

  11. I apologize for being such a tool about Xmas cards this year. It looks like we won’t be sending any out. Not to be a bummer, but it’s been a more eventful autumn/xmas season than we’d have liked.

    We have received some from you, however, and we’re proudly displaying them on our bookshelf. Thanks, one and all!

    • I don’t know who my SS is but it’s very rare for me to get anything before Christmas. Sometimes I’m lucky and will get something between Christmas and New Year’s but not very often. In a way, it’s like having two Christmases :cheerful:

  12. Of course even if I hadn’t seen the previous adaptions I would know who the bad guy was because the actor almost always plays the bloody bad guy.

    Grrrrrring at ‘The Tunnel’

  13. Your crap joke for Xmas Eve:

    This is just a reminder about drinking and driving over the festive period.
    I went out last night and had 14 pints but left my car at the pub and took a bus home.
    I’m fucking proud of myself this morning … I’ve never driven a bus before!!!

    • I also like the fact that this guys “homemade CGI” looks almost as good as the multimillion CGI in the first Ang Lee Hulk movie (which I actually really liked).

  14. Oh and if you got an iOS device for Xmas (or already have one) do a search on the App Store for ‘Tiny Thief’ it’s free at the moment.

    Cute puzzler

  15. Merry Christmas, Pan!

    EssBee: THANK YOU for being an awesome Deadpan Secret Santa! I waited until today to open my present. I now have the 2009 Royal Shakespeare Company production of “Hamlet” on DVD! It’s on my shelf next to my “Slings and Arrows” box set. Thank you! :happy:

  16. Merry! Merry! To all of Deadpan.

    Im celebrating by working 12.5 hrs, trying keep these peeps alive.

    I am wearing a Phoenix Coyotes Santa Hat, in honor of JC.

    • Hey there, fellow worker in a role that requires 24/7 coverage. I’m finally relaxing after 11.5 hours of watching the network monitoring screen while the phone rang exactly twice (I can get 22-24 calls on a busy day). I hope you find time to relax within the next couple of days. πŸ™‚

      Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

  17. We’re about to eat our sour mushroom soup. It’s traditionally a Xmas eve/lent meal, but we are heathens and forced prime rib on the folks.

  18. I’m trying for a “do over” today.
    I got a headache yesterday afternoon that persisted until it became a migraine and had me up and in extreme pain til the wee hours of the morning.
    blah

    Today WILL be better.

  19. Morning Pan

    Hope Santa was good to all of you. In regular Christmas fashion for the Bunny house, my grandmother gave us… quirky gifts. We each received a can of soup and an oversized mug to eat it out of. Hubby and I got tomato soup. The kids got vegetable. I’d like to use the excuse she can no longer leave the house and shop but, Christmas from her has always been this way. :face:

    • Looks like we have a skeleton crew today, so this might not be the best time – but sure! Let’s talk dates and find some that work.
      Every year we make plans for March, then end up going in early May. How does that sound for folks this year?

      • Well, I’ll give the dates I can’t do and, as people pop in or out, we can refine over the next couple of months.

        I CANNOT do the weekends of:
        March 29
        April 19
        April 26
        May 10

        Told you my calendar was filling up fast πŸ˜‰

        • We also cannot do March 29
          Anytime in April (kids’ birthdays!)
          May 10th

          My $0.02 is lets keep our new tradition of the first weekend in May (3rd)

          And really consider MMMmmmeetup’ing in Colorado!!!

          • I can probably swing that first weekend in May if that’s what gets the most to come.

            Though, it looks like the third weekend of May would be safer for me.

            The second weekend in May is always out as it’s Mother’s Day weekend.

      • I have both cool and sad news. The cool part is that next spring, I am going on a cruise that lasts from May 1-14 (I leave town on April 30). The sad parts are:
        a) I will be unavailable for other trips during that period (which includes both the first and second weekend in May)
        and
        b) That one trip burns all my vacation time for next year and most of my personal time. Due to my regular work schedule, even if the MMMeetup isn’t during the cruise, I can only make it on Sunday and Monday (when I’m not scheduled to work anyway). πŸ™ Sorry, guys. Please don’t let that put a damper on the festivities.

  20. So, got to see the Dr. Who Christmas Special today.

    I do agree, it’s time for Moffat to hand the reigns over to someone with some ideas. I’m interested in the new Doctor, but I’m much more interested is seeing what someone else has to say. I could stand to go a few years without Daleks, Cybermen, Weeping Angels, and Silence popping up over and over and over.

    • I found the Christmas episode rather meh. I agree about some of the baddies. The weeping angels were cool in their first episode, now they’ve lost a lot of the tension they had through over use.

    • Last two years = sack of shit. Sorry but the Matt Smith episodes were never well written… and the fact they ruined the angels for me is a real damn travesty.

      • I like the comment on a list of classic Dr Who episodes that one of the reasons Soutek (baddy in the Pyramids of Mars)is great because they never brought him back.

    • My 2cents

      I like the Dr when the episodes were about him saving some planet or people from some menace we hadn’t encountered before and just sprinkled into the story were hints about his tragic or dark past. The episodes story didn’t hinge on those hints but if you were a watcher of the whole season you could collect these little puzzle pieces and start assembling The Dr’s past in your mind.
      Then something seemed to change (Moffat?) and every episode was all about The Dr. and his tragic past and the humans or other beings in the episode were just incidental fodder, put there as window dressing.

      Either that, or we were getting another slapped together, poorly/hastily thought out “Weeping Angle” episode that clearly existed only to try and ride the coat tales of the original’s epic success.
      THAT teat has been milked dry.

  21. We ate watching a (British) football game hubby recorded earlier. I asked hubby who we are rooting for. Hubby says he is rooting for Westham but I can pick which ever side I want. Silly hubby seems to be under the impression I care :silly:

  22. Van, I may save The Tunnel for a rainy day. I received an iTunes gift card and used it to buy the current season of American Horror. We’ll binge on that today. w00t!

  23. Gathering stuff for a Track Meet tomorrow.
    I’ll be competing in the Polevault for the first time in years.
    A few weeks back I noticed that this meet had a “19 and over” category and since I qualify for that, I thought I’d give it a go.

    6 others entered in this category but unless some of these 19 year olds show up hung-over or sick on fruitcake … not any realistic chance of me getting a top 3.
    Frankly, I’d be quite pleased if I could clear 9 feet after all these years.
    Heck, I guess I should be pleased if I can make the opening height and not have to be carried out on a stretcher.

  24. I am returned victorious!

    Well … if you define “not damaging yourself while in the pursuit of useless, self flinging” as victorious, THEN I AM VICTORIOUS!

    I did much better than I had hoped. Made 8′, 8′-6″, 9′ and then 9′-6″(2.90m) all on my first attempts. Then had three really good jumps at 10′(3.05m). Been a loong time since I had done that. I suspect I shall be hurting by tomorrow night.

  25. Your crap joke for a Sunny Sunday morning:

    Why did Erwin SchrΓΆdinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages?

    Because they were quantum mechanics.

  26. Crap joke for the day:

    We’ve just been told to prepare for strong wind, disruption, chaos and untold misery.

    Not sure what time the mother-in-law is turning up.

  27. Since I won’t be online the next few days – I wish you all a safe New Year’s Eve in however you celebrate and a good New Year.

    We’re going to be on a ship tonight, so I’ve got my designated driver taken care of.

  28. It’s a nice, quiet day in the office so far. Fingers crossed that it stays that way!

    ditto, of other cooks out there, have you ever made Yorkshire Pudding? I’m grilling a Prime Rib tomorrow and want to give it a whirl.

  29. Sly B spotted this on some-ecards, and it expresses my feelings exactly:

    “I thought a Golden Corral was when you crawled through a tunnel of legs while people peed on you, but this restaurant is much worse.”

  30. Morning Pan

    Only another hour of work then time to relax. I need more model paints so hubby and I might sneak out after lunch to get some before the stores close early for the new year.

      • From what I can gather people are upset that it glorifies a Wall Street swindler. Although if you google “Wolf of Wall Street backlash” you come up with everything from lack of women to harming chimpanzees…

        • Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of complaints – – from people who haven’t seen the film – – that it glorifies evil Wall St. douchebags.
          Watch the film before you make that determination. If that’s still your opinion after seeing it, then by all means, proceed with your stink-raising.

  31. First crap joke of 2014:

    A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
    The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

  32. Hooray, Van! It finally arrived. Sheeesh. That seemed to have taken forEVER!
    Glad it is safe and sound and I hope you do enjoy it for many years to come.

    Merry Fuckin’ Christmas, Van.

  33. Well back to work, your crap joke for the day:

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.

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