692 thoughts on “Jack Mangans Deadpan #290: The End, Part 5

  1. Morning Pan

    Hubby shaved his beard last night. He realized both his passport and his driver’s license shows him clean shaven and, knowing how anal the TSA can get, he thought he better match his pictures. He looks about 10 years younger without his beard.

  2. I am thoroughly enjoying The Dark Tower series. I’m nearly done with the 6th book. I think this has really taken me down the Stephen King rabbit hole. I may need to go back and read all the other books that are referenced, referred to, etc, in this series.

  3. They still haven’t cleared the snow from my place. Hubby is now ticked as he’s trying to figure out what we are paying them for. I needed to go out today so he’s also mad because I had to dig my car, out which I’m not suppose to do. I called them today and was told the crew was suppose to do it yesterday and she’s not sure why they didn’t. She was going to contact the crew and blah, blah, blah.

    Hubby leaves town tomorrow for a week and will not have time to shovel today. We are both not happy.

  4. About 10 minutes ago I called the clearing place again and threatened to not pay for December and, if the city came in, I would expect them to pay the fee. Guess who just showed up?

    I know I may seem a little grumpy. I used to clear the walk when hubby was at work but, since my medical stuff, I’m not suppose to do anything that strenuous, which is why we hired outside help (that and the fact hubby often doesn’t get home until very late). The City of Calgary has a bylaw in place that you must clear your walk within 24 hours after the snow stops or you could get fined. Normally, after a snow storm like we just had, they are a little lenient however, my house is on the same block as a train station so they get a little more anal about the regulations since there is a higher pedestrian flow.

    • I’m not caught up with this week’s episode, but I have been following it. Definitely an interesting turn this season…though hopefully we’re done with the family….though that would mean no more Morena Baccarain….hmmm.

  5. Your bad taste crap joke for the day:

    I told my Chinese postman that Nelson Mandela had died and he was adamant that he hadn’t and had just spoke to him as he had a delivery for him later on. After a couple of minutes arguing I asked to see his paperwork. When he showed me it said Nissan main dealer….

  6. Morning Pan

    Hubby and I had a huge parcel sitting on our back step this morning. Found the delivery slip and discovered it was for someone down the road. I plan to contact them but I think they will not be happy as it looks like it was full of fresh fruits and vegetables… now completely frozen. I’m sure some of them will be unusable once they thaw.

  7. Things are nasty all around weather wise in Texas today. Dallas is certainly getting the worst of it, so I’m not surprised flights are having issues up there.

    I see there showing 2-3″ of ice on the ground up there. No fun.

  8. It’s a “bitter pill” day.
    Not being allowed to participate in an event today due to humans who were being paid to complete the registration process … but when it became necessary for them to track down a charge number, weren’t truly interested in making it happen. They had 3 weeks to make it work. The event director even CALLED them last Wednesday to try and facilitate registration.
    These humans are now spending more effort coming up with excuses as to why it wasn’t their fault than it would have taken them to complete the registration process.

    I’ve been preparing for this event for months.

    Maybe if my football team wins tonight, it will help to take some of the sting away.

  9. Your crap joke for the day:

    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog.The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”Father Patrick told the farmer “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”Father Patrick replied “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

  10. There, all my Christmas cards are addressed and will go in the mail tomorrow. Secret Santa gift has been ordered from Amazon, as well as many of my other gifts. Just have to order a gift basket for my mom and an edible arrangement for hubby’s parents and all my Christmas shopping is done. I love on line and am so glad I don’t have to go to the mall for Christmas shopping any more :cheerful:

  11. First I had a Lefthand Nitro Sawtooth Ale

    Then I had a Lefthand Nitro Sawtooth Ale

    Then I had an Avery Old Jubilation.

    Now I cant find the ‘mote.

  12. Hmm, well, for those of us who haven’t finished their DPSS shopping, or any shopping for that matter, ThinkGeek has a few coupon codes good for today:

    Great gift ideas. ThinkGeek is offering up to 60% off many itemse + 50% off their Top Selling Items with Coupon Code: “HALFLING” (Exp 12/8).

    Additionally get a rare FREE Shipping Sitewide after Coupon Code: “GEMINIO” (Exp 12/8).

    Alternatively, get a FREE 2-Day International Express Shipping Upgrade after Coupon Code: “GEMAXIO” (Exp Soon). Tax in FL, OH, VA.

  13. “I’ve got blisters on me fingers!” Except these are from working the press sealing bags full of food my kids helped to pack, intended for starving children, somewhere in the world (these will probably go to the Philippines).

    The Goodyear Blimp definitely declared me a pimp today.

  14. Crap joke for the day:

    One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running,running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

  15. Morning Pan

    I’m seeing my grandmother today. Because our family is pretty dysfunctional, my grandmother hasn’t told my mother about her health problems and doesn’t want me to. So my mother sent me some money to get some alcohol for my grandmother as her Christmas present from my mom. So, like a good daughter/granddaugher, I picked some up and will be taking to to my grandmother today. I just want you to know, $100 buys a lot of alcohol. I don’t even know if my grandmother can drink considering she’s on heart and other medication. This will be interesting.

  16. I think the person to whom I sent a Secret Santa gift has received said gift, but am waiting for confirmation. Who knew I was so on top of the things.

    Oh… me! That’s right… finished with all my shopping already… Yo! Word. Bird!

  17. Oh BTW… I know I don’t post here enough. (insert broken record comment about it blah blah blah) but I do have news… I’m going to post it here before I post it on Facebook.

    Ahem – it is bittersweet for sure.

    My amazing, wonderful, favorite of all time team of 6 people with whom I’ve worked for the last 4 years (give or take those who have come and gone) was dissolved and my duties at work were absorbed into an existing support team.

    This left the 6 of us (my boss included) vying for alternate jobs throughout the company. Sadly 4 of us were unable to remain with the company. The 2 of us who did stay have received new positions in the same field (social media) with a bit of a bump. So, while I do miss my boss and co-workers dreadfully, I’m happy to say that I’m safe and sound and still employed. It only took 3 interviews to get here! Whew!

  18. What a rough go of it, CJ. Why do compaies have to cut employees during the holidays? I know… Year End…. then I propose companies make their fiscal year end in like March, er something.

    Glad to hear your good news, even if it comes with a bummer of losing good co-workers.

    Bunny, {{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}} to you!!!

  19. Your crap joke for the evening:

    One day at the end of class little Johnny’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.”My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies “Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.”Last is little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”.Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.Johnny replies, “Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

  20. And so it begins. I just tagged a bunch of you on FB, following a tag from Brian Brown. The theme is to name 10 books that have stuck with you in some way. These were my ten:

    Sweet Thursday – John Steinbeck
    Neuromancer – William Gibson
    Burning Chrome – William Gibson
    Islands in the Net – Bruce Sterling
    System of the World – Neal Stephenson
    Musashi – Eiji Yoshikawa
    Lamb – Christopher Moore
    Hyperion – Dan Simmons
    A Tree Grows in Brooklyn – Betty Smith
    High Fidelity – Nick Hornby

    (intentionally passing on the obvious HHGTTG and LOTR)

    Ignore, play along (even if you weren’t tagged), comment; it’s all good.

  21. Your crap joke before bed :

    A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.He took pity on her and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy”. The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.”I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.””He sure is, lady,” the Captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

  22. A crap joke for the morning:

    A clown walks into a bar where there’s a guy sitting, just looking at his beer. After watching this man for some time, the clown decides to cheer him up. Going over, the clown takes the beer, holds it up in front of the guy, then drinks it down. The poor man starts crying and says, “This day is the worst day of my life. First, I’m late to work and get fired. My car has been stolen. I get a cab home and leave my wallet and credit cards in it. When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I come down here, and when I was thinking about ending my life, some clown shows up and drinks my poison.”

  23. Lo, I was just offered Broncos tickets and I ALMOST took em and forced you to go with me. But sitting outside for 3+ hours tonight doesn’t sound too fun, so I passed on em.

  24. Your crap joke for a rainy evening:

    Eskimo comes home from fishing to find his wife crying.
    “What’s the matter ?” he asks.

    Wife replies ”My mother has just died”

    Eskimo slaps her round the face.

    “What the fuck was that for?” She asks.

    “That’s for making me smile when I’ve got chapped lips

  25. Morning Pan, your ‘variation on a theme’ crap joke for the day:

    Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
    “You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”
    “But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.
    “Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”

    • ..and on that note:

      A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?”Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied.As she is sitting on grandpa’s lap she says, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?””A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”The girl says, “Grandpa, will you PLEASE, PLEASE make a sound like a frog?”Perplexed, her grandpa says, “Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”And the little girl says, “‘Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”

  26. I sometimes worry about my hubby’s sanity. We were getting some beer and this is how the conversation went:

    Hubby (grabbing a 12 pack box of beer): I don’t really like this beer.
    Me: They why are you getting it?
    Hubby: The one I want doesn’t come in a 12 pack.
    Me (looking in the cooler): It comes in a six pack. Why not just get two of those.
    Hubby: No. I want a 12 pack.
    Me: *sigh* as hubby carries his twelve pack to the counter.

  27. The problem with using the slow cooker is, after a time, the house starts smelling of what I’m cooking. Today it’s a curry dish. I’m starting to get really hungry now and dinner won’t be for another few hours. *drool*

  28. A Mohawk- Im okay with that.

    Age of man sporting mohawk-23-ish. Im okay with that.

    Wearing a folded up Weatern style bandana around head, while sporting 4″ mohawk. Retarded.

    Even at a KoRn concert.

    Do better, Idiot.

  29. If you are accessing Netflix in the US and like period murder mysteries then check out Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.

    Think a young Miss Marple with more sass.

  30. Next year, after the third Hobbit movie comes out, I’ll strongly encourage someone with lots of free time to phantom edit the three of them into one film, using only the scenes that match the actual book.

    • I think that project is already underway. I thought I read something, but I can’t remember a source.

      Though, I’ve read defenses of Jackson that these will probably be the last Tolkein movies he’ll be able to pull off. While people have at least heard of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, there’s not enough awareness of The Silmarillion and Lost Tales to get studio backing. So, Jackson is pulling from them now…and of course, making some stuff up on his own.

      • And there you go, Ed. I’d almost be ok with alllllllll of that extraneous stuff, if it had been plundered from Tolkien’s other writings, and not dreamt up by the PJ ego trust.

        For all my nerd-bickering, though, the movies are still decent. I don’t regret seeing either one of them.

  31. I’ve played the game in the 80’s, I seen the film in the 10’s and now for the first tine I’ve just bought ‘The Hobbit’ as an ebook

    • Um … “Though the lander can’t move, it will deploy a powerful telescope which will remain on the Moon, and can see much farther than Earth-based telescopes because there is no atmospheric distortion.”

      It’s a telescope on the near side of the moon … the side that always faces earth. It will always have earth light shinning into it. At any times around “full moon” it will be absolutely overwhelmed with earth light and not good for anything unless you wanted to look at things on … oh. I see.

      • Well more a test of technology is the claim, the rover being the main focus, the telescope more a sideline.

        Dumping the lander on the far side would be scientifically more fruitful, but needing more hardware (communication satellites orbiting the moon) to maintain contact.

  32. Crap joke for the day:

    One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fishdown there.”He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”..”No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

  33. Morning Pan

    Turns out my Christmas shopping isn’t quite done. My Boo was over on the weekend to have me print something for her. Her printer doesn’t work any more. Going out later today to get a new printer for the Boo House.

  34. Boy did I cock it up… I think Amy had my old SS address. Soooooooooooo if my SS did send the gift, could you let Amy know and I’ll go track it down. If not, she has my new address.

    Bah! Humbug! Ima repost this on FB too. Sorry I’m mildly retarded.

  35. Your crap joke for the day:

    A female golfer had just sunk her first putt and is headed to the second tee when she is stung by a bee. She is taken to the Dr. and he says, “where did it sting you?”…”Between the first and second hole” she replied…..”Well” said the Dr. “your stance is too wide.”

  36. We got a Christmas card in the mail today from hubby’s parents. I was a little confused as we basically got a card from John to John. Usually hubby’s dad uses “Jack” so I had to double take when I saw the envelope. How silly.

    • What bothered me most about the thigh gap video was that at the end there was this music which I immediately recognized from Animal Crossing which I haven’t played in well over a year.

      now I want to play

      damn video game music

  37. Is Secret Santa strong enough for a man, but designed for a woman?
    Well, my SS came through yesterday. Thanks so much! I look forward to reading them!

    As for my recipient. . . it will hit the mailwaves today or tomorrow. Guaranteed.

  38. Morning, Pan People. It appears that I left my cognitive function and fine motor skills at home today.

    :-/

    Makesfor a challenging shift at work, to be honeat

  39. 47 Ronin looks like ( from the trailer ) a film that went straight to DVD in the USA that’s getting a cinema release in the UK.

    True or have I been sucking on the pipe too much?

  40. So, the 2014 Hall of Fame inductees. . .

    Can I apologize on behalf of fans, to Nirvana, Peter Gabriel, and Cat Stevens?

    Hall & Oates, KISS, and Linda Ronstadt?! Eecck

  41. So I will being working both Eves and Boxing Day.

    Anybody ‘ho ho ho’ ing had better watch out.

    Calling me grumpy would be an understatement.

  42. And, I should have mentioned – my DPSS gift arrived to me over the weekend. Many Thanks!

    Hopefully, my delivery will be arriving at its destination soon, as well.

  43. ” Probably the most important thing is that when things get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say “Well, alright!” cause it’s probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse.”

    -“Alferd Packer”

  44. SO it seems that Amy Adams makes out with Jennifer Lawrence in ‘American Hustle’.

    So it seems I can never EVER see this film if I want to continue living.

    • Does it download the comic files to your device/computer? Or does it keep them in the cloud for you? I don’t like the idea that the publisher can suddenly yank my access to something I’ve already paid for.

      “suddenly yank”

      • It’s solely cloud based and the license agreement specifically states that you don’t own your purchases, you only have a license to view, which can be revoked. This is the same reason why I don’t like Kindle books.

        • I’m used to it by now (including ebooks, Xbox Live and PSN purchases).

          I have a bookcase full of scifi books that I’ll never have either the time or inclination to reread, they sit there gathering dust.

          I appreciate the absence of clutter that going virtual brings.

          • If I’m spending $13 for a license to read a graphic novel and I can buy the same graphic novel for $11, well then I’m not going to go for the digital purchase.

          • Yeah, that makes sense. I’m just trying to figure out the price point where I can make that trade-off. A lot of my friends don’t seem to care, but clearly it bothers me. And I agree: avoiding the clutter is really nice. All my music purchases are digital.

  45. My DPSS gift arrived last night.
    Thank you, Ed From Texas! It is perfect!!!

    Han Solo in Carbonite Chocolate Bar — you know how to get to my heart. X2

  46. Trying to print out a picture.
    For 2 days now.
    I’m pretty sure this is one of the levels of hell.

    So the low res preview is 5 x 7 … and then the high res, using expensive paper and ink version, comes out as 2.5 x 3.
    WTF!!!!